You Can't Do That On Power Rangers 2
by C.A. Turner
Summary: More insanity...PR style!


_**DISCLAIMER:**__ Not mine; Saban. You Can't Do That On Television. Roundhouse. Saturday Night Live. In Living Color. Blue Collar TV. Monty Python's Flying Circus. All Rangers from Morphin-Wild Force and Dino Thunder-RPM And now…_

**YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON POWER RANGERS 2**

Cut to: Opening card scene of a disco with Lord Zedd superimposed over.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Lord Zedd's Dance Party will not be seen tonight in order that we may present the following program that has even less rhythm.

Cut to: Tanya dressed as Crystal Waters,

**Tanya:** _I get up early in the morning, and watch some TV, gotta watch some TV_

_It's time for me to write a hit song, it's just that easy, just watching TV_

_Hey, look, it's Flo from Alice, I got a song now, that's a song now._

_Kiss Mah Grits, Kiss Mah Grits, Kiss Mah Grits, Kiss Mah Grits_

_Before I go to bed at night, I look in the mirror, I think I'm lucky!_

_I'm gonna become a really big star, with little talent, not much talent._

_The truth is, I'm just a wannabe, I should be homeless, I should be homeless_

_I'm making millions, isn't that funny._

_Ha ha hee, ha ha ha, ha ha hee, ha ha ha_

_I'll never run out of songs, 'cause I just bought cable, 100 channels_

_And now it's endless, the hits are endless_

_HBO, MTV, TBS & A&E, CBS, Pay Per View, Scooby Doo, where are you_

_Happy Days, and Oprah too._

_You'll keep buying my music because you're mindless, like me you're mindless_

_Lobotomy, lobotomits, kiss mah grits, kiss mah grits_

_Ha ha hee ha ha ho, I'll be rich, you'll be poor_

_All beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickles onions, sesame seed bun._

_Opening credits._

Cut to: Voice Over: In 1943, a group of British Army Officers working deep behind enemy lines, carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids in the history of warfare. But that's as maybe. And now . . .

(Superimposed Caption on Screen : 'AND NOW . . . UNOCCUPIED BRITAIN 1998'

Cut to colonel's office. Jason is seated at desk, dressed as a colonel.)

**Jason **(speaking with a British accent)**:** Come in, what do you want?

(Billy, as Private Watkins enters and salutes.)

**Billy:** I'd like to leave the army please, sir.

**Jason:** Good heavens man, why?

**Billy:** It's dangerous.

**Jason:** What?

**Billy:** There are people with guns out there, sir.

**Jason:** What?

**Billy:** Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones, sir. They've all got 'em. All of 'em, sir. And some of 'em have got tanks.

**Jason:** Watkins, they are on our side.

**Billy:** And grenades, sir. And machine guns, sir. So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.

**Jason:** Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.

**Billy:** I know sir but people get killed, properly dead, sir, no barley cross fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.

**Jason:** That's true.

**Billy:** Well I mean, blimey, I mean if it was a big war somebody could be hurt.

**Jason:** Watkins why did you join the army?

**Billy:** For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. And not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir - no killing.

**Jason:** Watkins are you a pacifist?

**Billy:** No sir, l'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.

**Jason:** That's a very silly line. Sit down.

**Billy:** Yes sir. Silly, sir. (sits in corner)

**Jason:** Awfully bad.

(Knock at the door, Cole, dressed as a sergeant enters, and salutes.)

**Cole:** Two civilian gentlemen to see you ... sir!

**Jason:** Show them in please, sergeant.

**Cole:** Mr Dino Vercotti and Mr Luigi Vercotti.

(Rocky and Adam as the Vercotti brothers enter. They wear Mafia suits and dark glasses.)

**Adam:** Good morning, Colonel.

**Jason:** Good morning gentlemen. Now what can I do for you.

**Rocky:** (looking round office casually) You've ... you've got a nice army base here, Colonel.

**Jason:** Yes.

**Rocky:** We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.

**Jason:** What?

**Adam:** No, what my brother means is it would be a shame if... (he knocks something off mantel)

**Jason:** Oh.

**Rocky:** Oh sorry, Colonel.

**Jason:** Well don't worry about that. But please do sit down.

**Rocky:** No, we prefer to stand, thank you, Colonel.

**Jason:** All right. All right. But what do you want?

**Adam:** What do we want, ha ha ha.

**Rocky:** Ha ha ha, very good, Colonel.

**Adam:** The Colonel's a joker, Luigi.

**Rocky:** Explain it to the Colonel, Dino.

**Adam:** How many tanks you got, Colonel?

**Jason:** About five hundred altogether.

**Rocky: **Five hundred! Hey!

**Adam:** You ought to be careful, colonel.

**Jason:** We are careful, extremely careful.

**Rocky:** 'Cos things break, don't they?

**Jason:** Are you threatening me?

**Adam:** Oh, no, no, no.

**Rocky:** Whatever made you think that, Colonel?

**Adam:** The Colonel doesn't think we're nice people, Luigi.

**Rocky:** We're your buddies, Colonel.

**Adam:** We want to look after you.

**Jason:** Look after me?

**Rocky:** We can guarantee you that not a single armored division will get done over for fifteen bob a week.

**Jason:** No, no, no.

**Rocky:** Twelve and six.

**Jason:** No, no, no.

**Rocky:** Eight and six ... five bob...

**Jason:** No, no this is silly.

**Adam: **What's silly?

**Jason:** No, the whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I haven't had a funny line yet. So I'm stopping it.

**Adam:** You can't do that!

**Jason:** I've done it. The sketch is over.

**Billy:** I want to leave the army please sir, it's dangerous.

**Jason:** Look, I stopped your sketch five minutes ago. So get out of shot. Right director! Close up. Zoom in on me. (camera zooms in) That's better.

**Rocky:** (off screen) It's only 'cos you couldn't think of a punch line.

**Jason:** Not true, not true. It's time for the intro with that cute Jennifer Aniston. Cue telecine, ten, nine, eight...

(Cut to telecine countdown.)

Adam: (off screen) The general public's not going to understand 'this, are they?

**Jason:** (off screen) Shut up you eyeties!

Cut to link set. Announcer speaks off screen

**Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: JENNIFER ANISTON!**

Applause erupts as Jennifer comes on stage and begins to speak

**Jennifer Aniston**: Thank you! I am so thrilled to be finally hosting "You Can't Do That On Power Rangers".. and I say "finally", because I'm the **fifth** cast member, I think it is, to be hosting "Saturday Night Live". And I asked the other four if they had any advice, and they said, "Just relax, have fun, and stay away from that Rocky!"

(Guy in Audience interrupts)

**Guy in Audience**: Jennifer? I'm a big fan of the show "Friends", and I was wondering, in real life, are you all really friends?

**Jennifer Aniston**: Um.. what an original question.. you remind me of the **fifty** other people who ask me that **every day!** (spots Woman in Audience with a question) Uh, yeah?

**Woman in Audience**: Hi! Is your ex Brad Pitt gonna be here tonight?

**Jennifer Aniston**: No. No, Brad is not here - he's actually in London promoting his **new movie** "Fight Club". And…we broke up almost 6 years ago! Hey, you know what, by the way? That restraining order is still in effect, Missy. And you know what? Nothing personal here, but I don't really feel like doing this question-and-answer thing any more, so.. uh..

**retreats** backstage

**Kimberly**: Hey.

**Jennifer Aniston**: Hey, Kimberly.

**Kimberly:** Are you okay, Jennifer?

**Jennifer Aniston**: Yeah.

**Kimberly:** It seems like you just sort of bailed there on the monologue.

**Jennifer Aniston**: Oh.. well, it's just that I get so tired of answering those questions, you know?

**Kimberly:** Yeah, I know. Well, is there anything I can help you with?

**Jennifer Aniston**: Well, you know what, actually there is. I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

**Kimberly **(understandably confused): Excuse me?

**Jennifer Aniston**: If you want me to have a good show, I want you to hit me as hard as I can.

**Kimberly :** Well, gosh, Jennifer.. I don't know.. uh.. (punches Jennifer's breast)

**Jennifer Aniston**: Hey! **Ow!** That was my **boob!** (pinches Kimberly's breasts)

**Kimberly:** Hey, you! You told me to hit you! Are you okay?

**Jennifer Aniston**: Well, yeah, actually.. for the first time, I don't think I've ever felt so alive!

punches Kimberly in the face

**Kimberly:** (angry) I am gonna kick your ass, pretty lady! (shoves Jennifer) You want some more of that, "Rachel", from 'Friends', pretty Rachel?

Jennifer punches back

**Jennifer Aniston**: Real pain taste different, don't it, Kimberly! Come on, Pink Ranger!

gestures Kimberly to come after her

**Kimberly: **Look out, there's a…

Jennifer looks, but it's a trick. Kimberly returns the attack with a blow to the head with a stage light. Jennifer grabs Kimberly by the hair and rams her head into the cast lockers, shouting with each whack…

**Jennifer Aniston**: I'll…be…there…for…you!

Kimberly socks Jennifer in the stomach, flips her over her shoulder, and starts punching her in the jaw, shouting, with each punch…

**Kimberly:** GO…GO…POWER…RANGERS!

Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudrow run in to Jennifer's aid, but are stopped by Trini and Kat.

**Courtney Cox:** (Socking Trini in the jaw) Gonna try and stop me, you Vietnamese pop tart?

Trini suckerpunches Courtney in the stomach, then gives her a roundhouse kick

**Trini:** That's exactly what I'm gonna do, neat freak!

**Lisa Kudrow** (slaps Kat): I get the Australian whiner!

Kat snatches Lisa by the hair, then swings her into the wall, and starts punching her.

**Kat:** Who's the whiner now, you burnt out hippie?

Alyssa and Taylor run in to stop the fight.

**Alyssa**: Stop it, you guys! What the hell is going on here?

**Kimberly**: No, it's okay. Jennifer just asked me to…

**Jennifer Aniston**: No, no, no, no! First rule of "Fight Club": "Do not talk about 'Fight Club'!" Or wait a minute… is it "talk about it"? I don't know… I haven't seen it. Isn't that awful?

**Alyssa**: Wait a minute. How do we join "Fight Club"?

**Taylor** : Yeah! I want a piece of that!

**Jennifer Aniston**: Well, it's actually very simple. You and Alyssa just beat the hell out of each other!

**Alyssa**: Okay! (throws a punch at Taylor) You are going down, Grandma!

**Taylor** : Oh, yeah? Bring it on, Nancy Drew! (swats at Alyssa with a paint can) Hey, this is fun, I like this!

Alyssa grabs Taylor by the hair and pounds her head into a table, then pulls out a lock of her hair

**Jennifer Aniston**: (elated) Ooh, Martha Stewart got her **ass** kicked!

**Kimberly**: I like "Fight Club"!

Jennifer shoves Kimberly to the ground, as Courtney and Trini, Lisa and Kat, and Taylor and continue to scuffle

**Kira:** (interceding) Hey, what do you guys think you're doing?!

**Taylor:** (laughs) What's it to ya, new meat, huh?

punches Kira, but she turns around and slugs her

**Kira (**smiling): Fight Club?

**Alyssa:** Yeah!

socks Kira in the jaw

**Aisha:** What's going on here? I'm gonna tell Saban!

**Jennifer Aniston**: Whoa-oa! Second rule of "Fight Club": "Don't tell Saban about 'Fight Club'."

**Aisha:** (interested) "Fight Club"? What's that?

**Kira:** (laughing deviously) Hey, Aisha, look at this…

smacks Aisha in the jaw

**Kira:** "Fight Club"!

Taylor and Alyssa each crack a chair over Aisha's back

**Trini**: Hey, "Featured Player"!

cracks a ladder over Aisha's head

**Aisha:** (reeling in the excitement) **This is FREAKIN' awesome!**

**Jennifer Aniston**: She's **mine** now! (breaks a plywood board across Aisha's back, then drags her by the hair toward Home Base) Alright. Any more questions? I didn't think so. We got a great show, Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer are here, the cast of How I Met Your Mother is here… and, if they want, we will kick **their** tantric asses, too! Stick around, we'll be right back.

Cut to: Small room with desk. Tommy as interviewer, Zack as Mr. Wilson.

**Tommy:** Alright, Mr. Wilson, you've done just fine on the Rorshach.. your papers are in good order.. your file's fine.. no difficulties with your motor skills.. And I think you're probably ready for this job. We've got one more psychological test we always do here. It's just a Word Association. I'll throw you out a few words - anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, okay? It's kind of an arbitrary thing. Like, if I say "dog", you'd say..?

**Zack:** "Tree".

**Tommy**: "Tree". (nods head, prepares the test papers) "Dog".

**Zack**: "Tree".

**Tommy**: "Fast".

**Zack**: "Slow".

**Tommy**: "Rain".

**Zack**: "Snow".

**Tommy**: "White".

**Zack**: "Black".

**Tommy**: "Bean".

**Zack**: "Pod".

**Tommy**: (casually) "Negro".

**Zack**: "Whitey".

**Tommy**: "Tarbaby".

**Zack**: (silent, sure he didn't hear what he thinks he heard) What'd you say?

**Tommy**: (repeating) "Tarbaby".

**Zack**: "Ofay".

**Tommy**: "Colored".

**Zack**: "Redneck".

**Tommy**: "Junglebunny".

**Zack**: (starting to get angry) "Peckerwood!"

**Tommy**: "Burrhead".

**Zack**: (defensive) "Cracker!"

**Tommy**: (aggressive) "Spearchucker".

**Zack**: "**White trash!**"

**Tommy**: "**Jungle Bunny!**"

**Zack**: (upset) "**Honky!"**

**Tommy**: "Spade!

**Zack**: (really upset) "**Honky Honky!**"

**Tommy**: (relentless) ] "Nigger!"

**Zack**: (immediate) "_**Dead**_** honky!**" [ face starts to flinch ]

**Tommy**: (quickly wraps the interview up) Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

**Zack**: **Your momma!**

**Tommy**: (fumbling) Uh.. $7,500 a year?

**Zack**: **Your grandmomma!**

**Tommy**: (**desperate****)** $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America . Just, don't… don't hurt me, please…

**Zack**: Okay.

**Tommy**: (relieved) Okay.

**Zack**: You want me to start now?

**Tommy**: Oh, no, no.. that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

Cut to: Jen standing in a grocery store aisle with her cart. She pulls a can of corn from the **shelf**, looks at the price tag on top in dismay, and then puts the can back. Jason as announcer.

**Jason**: Inflationary prices getting you down? Then get down on inflationary prices with the new Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun from K-Put!

Just after she holds out her hands in resignation, a yellow Stamp Gun with a long roll of **paper** magically appears in her right hand. Sprightly, happy strings start playing in the background, like an old promotional film. She looks down at the Stamp Gun with wonder.

**Jason**: Simply snap in a K-Put price tag roll, adjust the fingertip control price dial, aim your Price-Is-Rite stamp gun over the regular marking, pull the trigger, and presto! Look at this! A whole watermelon for only 3 cents!

Jen is seen setting up the Stamp Gun, then aiming it at a watermelon. CUT to an old-fashioned cash register ringing up $000.03. CUT to Jen cradling her bargain watermelon and smiling slyly.

**Jason**: A 12-pound turkey for just 4 cents!

Jen **aims**the stamp gun at an unwrapped frozen turkey, and the register rings up $000.04. The woman cradles her turkey and smiles in exactly the same way, then CUT to her grabbing cans and tossing them into her cart, as if on a free shopping spree.

**Jason**: Save thousands of dollars! Feed your entire family for just pennies a day! Shop for your friends-it's fun and easy!

FADE to Jen standing in the checkout lane getting two coins in change from a cashier. The cashier then yanks a three-foot-long receipt out of the register and drops it in her hand.

**Jason**: One trip to the store, and your K-Put Stamp Gun will pay for itself!

CUT to a happy Jen displaying the Stamp Gun in one hand and two coins in the other. She smiles and winks at the **camera****. **

**Jason**: Buy everything you've ever wanted! There's no better way to stretch your shopping dollars!

CUT to graphic of the Stamp Gun with the price flashing next to it.

**Jason**: K-Put's Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun. A steal at only $49.95 while they last. That's $49.95...

CUT to a slide of the mailing address.

**Jason**: To K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun, Department 8, Shopping Mall, New Jersey . Void where prohibited by law.

FADE to black

Cut to: Living room. In a darkened suburban living room, four prepubescent girls huddle with sleeping bags, pillows, a flashlight, etc., around a sofa.

**Cobie Smulders:** ... so then the man gets bare naked in bed with you and you both go to sleep, which is why they call it "sleeping together." Then you both wake up and the man says, "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?" No, wait a second, um, no, I think that comes, uh, before. Anyways, it's not important, it's not important. Anyway, then, uh, the man says-

A light comes on and the voice of Trini's mother calls from upstairs

**Voice of Mother**: Trini, it's five A.M.! When does the noise stop?

**Trini:** We're - we're goin' to sleep now, Mom!

**Voice of Mother**: What are you talking about at this hour?

**Trini:** School!

**Voice of Mother**: Well, save it for the morning!

The light goes out and Trini puts a finger to her lips to quiet the other girls.

**Alyson Hanigan:** (to Cobie) And then the man ...?

**Cobie Smulders:** Anyway, then the man—

she whispers into the other girls' ears, they make loud retching noises, totally disgusted: "Ewww! Aaaagh!"

**Kimberly:** That's disgusting!

**Cobie Smulders:** And then you scream and then he screams and then it's over.

**Kimberly:** Ohhhhgggghh! That's DISGUSTING!

**Trini: **You lie, Cobie!

**Cobie Smulders:** Cross my heart and hope to die. My brother told me 'bout it in my driveway.

**Trini:** Yeah, but your brother lies, Cobie!

**Cobie Smulders:** No, si-ir!

**Alyson Hanigan:** Isn't - isn't he the one that said if you chew your nails and then swallow them, a hand will grow in your stomach?

**Cobie Smulders:** Well, it is also true because I happen to have read it in this book.

**Alyson Hanigan:** (skeptical) What did it sa-ay?

**Cobie Smulders:** It sa-id ... the first step in human reproduction is: the man—

again, she whispers into the other girls' ears, again they retch loudly in disgust: "Ewww! Aaaagh!"

**Kimberly: **Eww! That's DISGUSTING! Aaaggghh!

**Cobie Smulders:** It's tru-ue!

**Alyson Hanigan:** Well, I just know it can't be true because nothing that sickening is true.

**Cobie Smulders:** Boogers are true.

**Trini:** Well, I mainly don't believe it because my sister told me she heard that there's this girl that this guy jumped out of the bushes and forced her to have a baby.

**Cobie Smulders:** How?

**Trini:** I don't know. He - he just said, "Have a baby, right now!"

**Cobie Smulders:** Sure, sure. Sure, Trini. And you think that that would work if I - if I did it to you, then?

**Trini:** (suddenly tense) Don't, okay?

**Cobie Smulders:** Don't worry about it 'cause I won't. Anyway, it doesn't - it wouldn't even work because that is not the way it is done. How it is done is, the man-

**Kimberly:** Oh, don't say it again, okay? I just ate half a pizza, okay?

**Trini:** So that's why people are born naked?

**Alyson Hanigan:** Yeah!

**Kimberly:** God, but how could you face the guy afterwards? I mean, wouldn't you be so embarrassed?

**Alyson Hanigan:** I'd have to kill myself right after. I mean, I get embarrassed when I know with someone sitting next to me they could see inside my ear.

**Cobie Smulders:** That is why you should only do it after you are married because then you won't be so embarrassed in front of your husband because - you will be in the same family.

**Kimberly:** Oh, yeah, now I really wanna get married - not!

**Cobie Smulders:** But! But - the worst thing is - our parents do it.

**Trini:** Come on!

**Cobie Smulders:** Yes. Think about it. Just think about it. I mean, none of us would be here unless our parents did it at least once.

**Alyson Hanigan:** My parents did it at least twice. I have a sister.

**Trini:** My parents did it at least three times. I have a sister and a brother. But I - I know they didn't do it because they wanted to. They did it because they had to, to have children.

**Cobie Smulders:** They could have adopted.

**Trini:** Yeah, but adopted children are such a pain. You have to teach 'em to look like you.

**Kimberly:** Well, my father would never do anything so disgusting like that to my mom - he's too polite.

**Cobie Smulders:** My father is polite. And we have six kids.

**Kimberly:** Maybe he's not as polite as you think he is.

**Alyson Hanigan:** I wonder whose idea this was.

**Cobie Smulders:** God's.

**Alyson Hanigan:** Oh, come on! God doesn't go around thinking up sickening things for people to do.

**Trini:** Maybe God makes us do it so we can appreciate how good the rest of our life is.

**Alyson Hanigan:** Yeah, maybe!

**Kimberly:** So - so, like, how long does it take?

**Cobie Smulders:** (rolls her eyes in disbelief) Stupid! Depends on how big the girl's stomach is and how fast she can digest.

**Trini:** Oh.

**Alyson Hanigan:** Can you talk during it?

**Cobie Smulders:** (can't believe anyone would ask such a stupid question) God... You have to hold your breath or else it doesn't work.

Kimberly, who has been chewing gum and playing with her hair throughout the sketch now takes a deep breath and, with cheeks puffed out, holds it until the middle of Trini's next line.

**Alyson Hanigan:** Well, I'm just telling my husband I'm not gonna do it. Tough beansies, God!

**Cobie Smulders:** What if he says he will get divorced from you if you don't do it?

**Alyson Hanigan:** I'd never marry anybody like that.

**Cobie Smulders:** Well, what if you did by accident? I mean, what if you met him in a war and you married him real fast because you felt sorry for him because he would probably get killed, only he didn't get killed, and then you would be stuck with him?

**Trini:** Wait a minute, let's make this pact, right now, that if we ever get married, and our husbands make us do it, we'll call each other up on the phone every day and talk a lot to keep our minds off of it, just like our mothers do.

**Alyson Hanigan:** Right!

**Cobie Smulders:** Right.

**Kimberly:** Right, because it's DISGUSTING! Ooooaaggghhh!

**Alyson Hanigan:** Well, don't worry. We'll never have to keep this pact because I know I'll never do it.

**Trini:** Me, neither.

**Cobie Smulders:** Me, neither.

There is a beat

**Kimberly: **(thinks about it) I might.

Alyson Hanigan 's eyes open wide; Cobie Smulders: and Gilda exchange surprised glances.

Cut to: link set.

**Josh Radnor:** Before we continue, we would like to bring up a terrifying occurrence that is happening in many cities, which started in 'Notsob'…

**Neil Patrick Harris:** 'NOTSOB'?

**Josh Radnor: **OOOOPS! I mean, Boston !

Cut to: Boston skyline daytime. Announcer, who turns out to be Adam, starts speaking:

**Adam:** This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenseless fit young men.

(Film of old ladies beating up two young men; then several grannies walking aggressively along street, pushing passers-by aside.)

**Billy:** Well they come up to you, like, and push you - shove you off the pavement, like. There's usually four or five of them.

**Conner:** Yeah, this used to be a nice neighborhood before the old ladies started moving in. Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops. '

**Casey:** Well Mr Johnson's son Kevin, he don't go out any more. He comes back from wrestling and locks himself in his room.

(Film of grannies harassing Vida.)

**Adam (V.O.):** What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?

**First Granny: (Rocky, voice over)**: Well it's something to do isn't it?

**Second Granny: (Billy, voice over):** It's good fun.

**Third Granny: (Carter, voice over):** It's like you know, well, innit, eh?

**Adam (V.O).:** Favorite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.

(Film of grannies carrying off a telephone kiosk; then painting slogans on a wall. Zack walks up to them as a policeman)

**Zack:** (coming up to them) Well come on, come on, off with you. Clear out, come on get out of it. (they clear off, he turns to camera) We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.

(Cut to cinema. Andros as cinema manager.)

**Andros:** Yes, well of course they come here for the two o'clock matinee, all the old bags out in there, especially if it's something like 'The Sound of Music'. We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken, all that sort of thing.

(A policeman hustles two grannies out of the cinema. Cut to Carter as a reporter walking along street.)

**Carter:** The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers and even sociologists, and they begin to wonder if it is all really...(disappears downwards rapidly) arggh!

(Shot of two grannies replacing manhole cover. Cut to Tommy & Kimberly.)

**Tommy:** Oh well we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way for what our gran's become. I mean she used to be happy here until she, she started on the crochet.

**Adam: (**off-screen) Crochet?

**Tommy:** Yeah. Now she can't do without it. Twenty balls of wool a day, sometimes. If she can't get the wool she gets violent. What can we do about it?

(Film of grannies on motorbikes roaring down streets and through a shop. One has 'Hell's Grannies' on her jacket.)

**Adam (V.O.):** But this is not just an old ladies' town. There are other equally dangerous gangs - such as the baby snatchers.

(Film of five men in baby outfits carrying off a young man from outside a shop. Cut to Dana as a distraught wife.)

**Dana:** I just left my husband out here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and he was gone. He was only twenty six.

**Voice Over:** And on the road too, vicious gangs of keep left signs.

(Film: two keep-left signs attack a vicar. Jason walks into scene dressed as a British Colonel)

**Jason:** (coming up and stopping them) Right, fight, stop it. This film's got silly. Started off with a nice little idea about grannies attacking young men, but now it's got silly. This man's hair is too long for a vicar too. These signs are pretty badly made. Right, now for a complete change of mood.

Cut to: Cassie sitting alone at a bar. Andros as announcer

**Andros (V.O.)**: Not all women are looking for Mr. Right. Sometimes they might just want a little company for the evening. That's why Olfalo created Hey, You!

Cassie holds up perfume and sprays it on herself

**Andros**: Just one whiff does the trick, for those occasions when you can't afford to be subtle.

men begin to flock all around Cassie

**Andros**: Hey, You! The scent you _can't_ ignore.

Cassie spots Eric sitting alone at the other end of the bar

**Cassie**: (whispering seductively) Hey... _You_!

Eric approaches Cassie, who gets up and leaves with him. Once outside, they enter a taxi and take off into the night

**Andros**: Hey, You! for that special someone you _never_ expect to see again.

cut to the next day, as Cassie hobbles out of a hotel and tries to catch a taxi home

**Andros**: Hey, You! The Perfume for One-Night Stands.

(dissolve to product shot)

**Andros**: From Olfalo.

Cut to: The French chef title card. Scene changes to a kitchen with Jason dressed as Julia Child, complete with Julia Child's accent:

**Jason:** Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should _save_ the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine… or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread.. or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend.. if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. **Save** the liver! **Don't** throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away.

Now, where was I? (looks around the kitchen) Oh, yes. First, to baste the chicken, and for that, you need a good French red wine, and we have one right here…1972, an excellent year for wine, and we will use this to baste our chicken, and we place the chicken into the roasting pan…excuse me for a minute, please…(Takes a sip of wine from a small glass, then continues)…now to pour the wine over the chicken, and rub the wine, garlic, and rosemary into the chicken, pour wine into the chicken, excuse me for a minute, please…(takes another sip of wine, then chugs the glass, then continues)…oh, yes, we then add potatoes and corn on the cob to the pan…excuse me for a minute, please…(Chugs from the bottle, and slurs speech as he continues)…we then let the chicken rest and absorb the flavors from the wine…excuse me for a minute, please…(picks up chicken and drinks wine from it, slams chicken back into pan, and continues, now completely bombed) while the chicken is absorbing flavor, you can do the other side dishes…excuse me, the room is spinning, I feel like I'm going to take a little nap now, Bon Appetit! (Crashes to the floor in a drunken stupor, while the French Chef title card return to cover, as Adam screams from behind the scenes…

**Adam (v.o.):** Somebody get some coffee into that old drunk and go to a commercial!

Scene changes to a photo shoot. Three women dressed in designer jeans, backing Trini, who is the main model, Rhonda Weiss. Kira, Jen, and Katie sing in the background

_Jewess Jeans  
they're skin-tight, they're out of sight  
Jewess Jeans.  
_  
**Kira:** _She's got a lifestyle uniquely hers  
Europe, Nassau , wholesale furs.  
She's read every best-selling book  
She's a gourmet blender cook.  
She's got that Jewess look._

Jewess Jeans  
they're uptight, alright  
Jewess Jeans.

**Kira:** _She shops the sales for designer clothes  
She's got designer nails and a designer nose.  
She's an American princess and a disco queen.  
She's the Jewess in Jewess Jeans.  
She's the Jewess in Jewess Jeans._

**Announcer**: You don't have to be Jewish.

**Trini:** But it wouldn't hurt.

**Announcer**: Jewess Jeans. Guaranteed to ride up.

The French Chef Title card returns. Adam is shouting to stagehands offscreen

**Adam (v.o.):** Is that drunken old bat sobered up?

**Stagehands (v.o.):** YES!

**Adam (v.o.):** Let's do this!

Return to the kitchen, this time, Rocky is Julia Child, taking over for Jason.

**Rocky:** I'm sorry about what happened earlier, and I apologize, that will not happen again, and now, anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do **nothing** without a sharp knife! (holds chicken and cuts) Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so…(drops knife) **crap! Oh!** Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened…(blood squirts onto the chicken) We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. (holds her apron over her hand ) The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so…(blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen) Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. (blood continues to squirt) Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver.. [ picks up the chicken liver ] Remember not to throw away the liver! (blood squirts over the chicken liver) Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone…(wraps towel and chicken bone around her hand) Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you _could_ lose your hand if you tighten it **too** much! (blood keeps squirting) If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left…(hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up) Now, **every** kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere…(looks at phone) Uh-oh! This one doesn't! 9-1-1! (tries to dial the number, but can't) Oh, this phone is a **prop**, it doesn't work! (drops the phone, becoming woozy) That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I.. had a dog named Admiral.. I used to give him liver… and my mother gave me a doll…(starts tipping from side to side) Why are you all spinning…? Uh… I think I'm going to go to sleep now… bon appetit.. (falls headfirst onto the counter, then jumps up one last time) Save the liver! (falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying )

**Cut To: Kimberly**: . . . And so, with a name like Fluckers, it's got to be good

**Jason**: Hey, hold on a second, I have a jam here called Nose Hair. Now with a name like Nose Hair, you can imagine how good it must be. MMM MMM!

**Tommy**: Hold it a minute folks, but are you familiar with a jam called Death Camp? That's Death Camp! Just look for the barbed wire on the label. With a name like Death Camp it must be so good it's incredible! Just amazingly good jam!

**Adam:** Wait a minute . . . Dog Vomit, Monkey Pus. We offer you a choice of two of the most repulsive brand names of jams you've ever heard of. With names like these, this stuff has got to be terrific. We're talking fabulous jam here!

**Tanya:** Save your breath fella! Here's a new jam we've just put out. It's called Painful Rectal Itch. You'd have to go a long way to find a worse name for a jam. And good? MMM WAH! With a name like Painful Rectal Itch you gotta bet that it's great . . .

**Trini:** Mangled Baby Ducks. That's right, Mangled Baby Ducks! Picture a jam so good that you'd dare to call it Mangled Baby Ducks! Great Jam! It's beautiful jam!

**Billy:** Wait a minute, wait a minute, this is it - 10,000 Nuns and Orphans.

**Jason:** 10,000 Nuns and Orphans? What's so bad about that?

**Billy:** They were all eaten by rats! Oh, it's so good! MMM!

**Zack:** Hold it, hold it everyone, your attention please, I have here a jam called…

whispers in everyone's ears the name of the jam

**Trini:** Oh God!

**Adam:** Gross!

**Tanya:** Yick!

**Billy:** Yecch!

**Tommy:** It's so good it's sick making!

**Jason:** Oh, that's gotta be great jam!

**Kimberly:** So if it's great jam you're after, try this one, the brand so disgusting you can't say it on television. Ask for it by name!

Cut to: Rocky as Father Merrin and Adam as Father Karras. They enter Regan's room and find Kat as Regan lying on her bed, possessed with evil spirits.

**Rocky:** We have nothing to worry about.

**Adam:** (trying to convince himself) Nothing to worry about.

**Rocky:** Let's talk to the child.

**Adam:** Yes, let's talk to the child.

(Rocky leans against Regan, who breathes heavily onto him, sending both priests reeling back)

**Rocky:** You mustn't listen to anything she has to say.

**Adam:** (scared) I'm not listening!

**Kat:** (menacing, TJ as devlish voice over) **You're a liar, and a cheater, and a child molester! You french-kiss your dog in the mouth!**

the bed starts to rise

**Rocky**: **Stop** the bed!

**Adam:** (repeating) **Stop** the bed!

**Rocky:** The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

**Adam:** The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

**Rocky:** The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

**Adam:** The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

**Rocky:** The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

bed lands on top of Adam's foot

**Adam:** (screaming in agony) **The bed.. is on.. my foot! The bed.. is on.. my foot! The bed.. is on.. my foot..! Oh, Father, the bed.. is on.. my foot!**

**Rocky:** (getting weak, stops exorcising) You must continue, Father. I must rest.. (exits bedroom)

**Adam:** (on floor in pain) **You** must rest?! **The bed.. is on.. my foot!**

**Kat:** (parting from trance) Oh, Father Karras, I'm ever so hungry. Couldn't you give me some pea soup? It's right over there.

**Adam:** (still in pain) **The bed.. is on.. my foot!**

**Kat:** Oh, jeepers, I'm sorry…(makes bed lift off of Adam's foot)

**Adam:** Oh, thank you, little girl…(relieved) You're such a nice little girl, I knew it all the time. Here's your pea soup. (hands her the soup) Maybe now we can be friends? What do you say? (Kat tosses the soup in his face)

**Kat**: (menacing, TJ doing voice over) **Suck-er!**

Adam is stunned

**Kat**: Oh, Father Karras, I'm ever so sorry. Let's make up. (reaches for vase on the nightstand ) Here, have a flower. (holds flower to him)

**Adam:** Oh, what a sweet gesture. You're a sweet little girl. (Kat smashes the vase over his head)

**Kat**: (meanacing, TJ doing voice over again) **Jive tur-key!**

**Adam:** (to himself) I have faith. I have faith. (turns to Kat) You're such a little girl..

**Kat**: (menacing) **Your mother eats kitty litter!**

**Adam: (**not sure he heard what he heard) Say what?

**Kat**: (menacing) **Your mama eats kitty litter!**

**Adam:** (lunges for Kat's throat) Hey, **nobody** talks about my **Mama!** (chokes Kat)

**Rocky:** (rushing in) Father! What are you doing? She's just an innocent little girl!

**Adam:** She's talking about my Mama!

**Kat**: (waking up) Oh, Father! Thank goodness you're here! He was hurting me!

**Rocky:** (comforting) Yes.

**Adam:** (upset) I'm gonna kill you, if you say anything about my Mama!

**Rocky:** She's just an innocent child.

**Kat**: (menacing) **Your mama sews socks that smell!**

**Rocky:** Uh, what did you say, little girl?

**Kat**: (menacing) **Your mama sews socks… that smell!**

Rocky immediate chokes Kat's throat

**Adam:** (grabbing Rocky's shoulders) Father, Father, Father, please! Let me help you!

(Rocky and Adam both choke Kat as the scene ends)

Cut to: Radio Announcer: (Billy) And now we present the first episode of a new radio drama series, 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.' Part One: The Beginning. (Lilting, sitcom Music)

**Adam's voice:** You are Mary, Queen of Scots?

**Kat's voice:** I am!

(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted, all of this accompanied by screaming from Kat. Music fades up and out)

**Announcer: **Episode Two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', can be heard on Radio Four almost immediately. (Music, then the sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman screaming. Suddenly it is silent.)

**Adam's voice:** I think she's dead.

**Kat's voice:** No I'm not!

(Sounds of a gun, physical harm and screaming start again. Then music fades up and out)

**Announcer:** That was episode two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', adapted for the radio by Bernard Hollywood and Brian London. And now, Radio Four will explode. (Music and then the radio explodes.)

Tommy and Jason are dressed as housewives sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. Tommy looks at Jason.

**Tommy:** We'll have to watch the Telly then!

**Jason:** Yes. (sound of agreement)

(They turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)

**Tommy:** Well, what's on the telly-vision then?

(pause)

**Jason:** (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.

(pause)

**Tommy:** No no no no! I didn't mean what's on the telly-vision set. I meant what program?

**Jason:** Oh

Both start singing, mumbled 'Girl From Ipanema Goes To Green land by the B52s.

**Jason:** Funny that penguin being there, isn't it?

**Tommy:** What's it doin' there?

**Jason:** Standin'!

**Tommy:** I can see that! (pause) If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the telly.

**Jason:** We'll have to watch that.

**Tommy:** Mmmmmm.

**Jason:** Unless it's a male

**Tommy:** Oooh, I never thought of that.

**Jason:** Yes. It looks fairly butch. (pause)

**Tommy:** Per'aps it comes from next door.

**Jason:** (yelling) Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!

**Tommy:** (yet louder) BURMA !

(They both stop short, looking around)

**Jason:** Why'd'j say Burma ?

**Tommy:** I panicked.

**Jason:** Oh. (Pause) Per'aps it's from the zoo.

**Tommy:** Which zoo?

**Jason:** (angrily) How should I know which zoo?! I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!

**Tommy:** How does Doctor bloody Bernofsky know which zoo it came from?

**Jason:** He knows everything.

**Tommy:** Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life. (pause)

Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it'd have 'property of the zoo' stamped on it.

**Jason:** No it wouldn't! They don't stamp animals 'property of the zoo'! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!

**Tommy:** (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.

**Jason:** (snapping back) What happens when they moult?

**Tommy:** Lions don't moult.

**Jason:** No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.

**Tommy:** (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!

(The television warms up: Zack is sitting behind a news desk)

**Zack:** **Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode. **

**(The penguin explodes)**

**Tommy:** How did 'e know that was going to happen?!

**Zack:** It was an inspired guess. And now…

Cut to: quick clip of the Battle of Pearl Harbor from show eleven, first series. Beginning with Conner in drag blowing the whistle and the two sides rushing at each other. Cut back to announcer.)

**Cole:** That was last year's re-enactment of the Battle of Pearl Harbor performed by the Batley Townswomen's Guild. It was written, directed and produced by Mrs Rita Fairbanks.

(Cut to Conner in drag again as Rita Fairbanks on the beach.)

**Conner:** Hello again.

**Voice Over:** (Jason) And what are your ladies going to do for us this year?

**Conner:** Well, this year we decided to re-enact something with a more modern flavor. We had considered a version of Michael Stewart's speech on Nigeria and there were several votes on the Committee for a staging of Herr Willi Brandt's visit to East Germany , but we've settled instead for a dramatization of the first heart transplant. Incidentally my sister Madge will be playing the plucky little springbok pioneer Christian Barnard.

**Voice Over:** Well off we go, then with the Barley Townswomen's Guild re-enactment of the first heart transplant.

(Conner blows his (her) whistle. The two groups of ladies rush at each other. They end up in the sea, rolling about splashing, and thumping each other with handbags.)

Cut to: Link set. Trini and Kimberly are frowning as Zack walks up to them.

**Zack:** What's wrong?

**Trini:** We just saw this…talk show, and…

**Kimberly:** And, well …we'll just tell you about it, you see…we were putting ourselves into the roles, and…

(ripple effect, title card appears for Dish Rag)

**Announcer:** Welcome to 'Dish Rag', the show for the professional woman who doesn't take any crap! Brought to you by: Kiss Me: I'm An Ashtray cigarettes. Go ahead: Kiss me. With your hosts…Trini Kwan, Kimberly Hart, and Aisha Campbell!

Fade to: table at a swank, fancy restaurant. Kimberly and Trini, dressed up for business, are at the table

**Kimberly:** Welcome to our little…chat. I'm Kimberly Hart, and I think a good shoe sale is as rewarding as having children!

**Trini:** …And I'm Trini Kwan, and I think men make excellent…pets. Here we are at our favorite restaurant, and…where's Aisha?

**Kimberly:** She's with her boss in Acapulco , hard at work…flat on her back! You know her, she's a little ambitious!

**Trini:** No…she's a little slut! And speaking of sluts…I'd like to start a new segment we like to call…'Fake Or Real'…

Cut to: shots of women with large chests, as Kim and Trini both giggle…

**Both:** Fake…fake…fake…fake…fake…fake!

**Kimberly:** Ah, I could do this all day!

**Trini:** Speaking of fakes, I saw Tommy yesterday, and I just don't know why he left you for her, I mean, other than she's ten years younger, her skin's tighter, and she's way prettier than you, I just don't get it!

**Kimberly** (Glaring at Trini): BTW, I just bought a lovely new red bra, I assume you have one? (Seeing Trini's face fall) But, of course not, I mean, what would be the point?

**Trini **(fake laughter): I _hate_ you.

**Kimberly: **I _hate_ you, too However, that brings me to my little Reality Check for my ex, Adam: Adam, darling, we've have many laughs over the years, but the best laugh I've had was in your pants!

Jason, as waiter, walks in with the phone

**Jason:** Ladies.

Trini hits button on table

**Both:** Dish Rag.

Voice of Ashley as Kim's mother

**Ashley** (V.O.): I assume you're coming over for dinner…by yourself, as usual?

**Kimberly:** Sorry, mother, but I have a date, you know, the type of men you always run off…even if they're for you?

**Ashley** (V.O.): **WHY YOU ROTTEN LITTLE…**

**Kimberly:** Sorry, but I can't talk now, I'll let you kill off another gentleman caller, 'bye, mother darling!

(hangs up phone, and turns to Trini) I can't say it, but you can!

**Trini:** **What a bitch!** And on the subject, **I** have a reality check for the entire male population!

**Kimberly: **Let them have it!

**Trini:** Contrary to popular belief…size **DOES** matter! The end!

**Kimberly:** Speaking of which, I would like to talk about women who fake orgasms…I know we do it for that big oaf so he can feel better about himself, but, he didn't make you feel better, did he? In other words, If you can't stand the heat, get outta the way, babe, I'll do it myself!

**Trini: **Doing it yourself, pretty much describes your love life, doesn't it?

Phone rings again

**Both:** Dish Rag

Aisha's voice comes over the phone

**Aisha** (V.O.): Hi guys! Guess what? Todd just asked me to marry him!

**Both:** Good for you! (Both gag)

**Aisha** (V.O.): I want you both at the wedding, I need 2 matrons!

**Both **(disgusted): **Matrons?**

**Aisha** (V.O.): I gotta go, we're in the hot tub! You guys are the best! Bye Bye!

Phone hangs up

**Both:** **WHAT A BITCH!**

**Trini:** I hate her, I really hate her!

Jason comes over with a large piece of chocolate cake

**Kimberly:** No, no, that's too much

**Trini:** Way too much!

**Jason:** I'll just take it back…

**Both:** NO, NO!

Jason leaves

**Trini:** I know you can finish it off, Kim dear.

**Kimberly:** What's that supposed to mean?

**Trini:** Well, I'm not the one who finished off an entire half gallon of cookies and cream ice cream in one sitting!

**Kimberly:** True…Godiva chocolates are your specialty!

Phone rings again

**Both:** Dish Rag

**Jen** (V.O.): I just want to tell you, I just hate the way you talk about each other and other women, it just makes us all look like pathetic whores!

**Trini:** We're sorry you feel that way!

**Kimberly:** We'll take your comments into consideration.

**Jen **(V.O.): I hope so. I just had to tell you how I felt. Goodbye. (Hangs up)

**Both:** _**WHAT A BITCH!**_

**Kimberly:** Obviously she's not getting any!

**Trini:** Probably never has! (laughs) My, Where has the time gone?

**Kimberly:** Well, it's time to go, but before we do…Trini, What is the perfect date?

**Trini:** What is the perfect date?

**Kimberly:** After fabulous sex, he turns into a bowl of unwrapped Hershey's Kisses and the latest issue of Vanity Fair!

**Trini:** Anyway, If your man is giving you grief, don't whine…

**Kimberly:** …don't bitch…

**Both:** **…JUST DON'T GIVE HIM SEX!** Bye bye!

Cut to: front door scene. Kimberly, Zack, Trini, and Tommy are talking to a woman at the door.

**Woman:** Have a good time, but remember, Kimberly, Trini, be home by midnight at the latest!

**Trini:** But mom, all the other kids don't have to be home by midnight! Please?

**Woman:** All right, if the other kids don't have to be home by midnight, you don't either…but one o clock at the latest! Have a good time. (Closes door)

**Zack:** Hey, all the other kids have to be home by eleven at the latest.

**Kimberly:** Well, all Trini said was that none of the other kids had to be home by midnight. The night is young…

**All:** Let's PARRRTY! WHOO!

Cut to: Barth's Beanery

**Barth:** You ready to order now?

**Eric:** Not yet, you see, I'm waiting for my date, she should be here any minute.

**Barth:** In that case, you should order the Barthy special platter for 2! You get 2 burgers, 2 orders of fries, and an extra large shake with 2 straws, all for half the price of a regular dinner.

**Eric:** Barth, how can you charge only half as much money for that much food?

**Andros:** You see, Eric, anyone who would bring their date in here deserves a break!

**Barth:** I HEARD THAT!

Voice Over: And now an appeal for sanity from the Reverend Arthur Belling.

(Cut to studio. Billy, dressed as a vicar sitting facing camera. He has an axe in his head.)

**Billy:** You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body red and the other half green and then you can jump up and down in a bowl of treacle going 'squawk, squawk, squawk...' And then you can go 'Neurhhh! Neurhh!' and then you can roll around on the floor going 'pting pting pting' ... (he rolls around on the floor)

**Voice Over (Conner):** The Reverend Arthur Belling is Vicar of St Loony Up The Cream Bun and Jam.

Cut to: Tommy walking into a cheese shop. Billy as owner, Carlos and Zhane doing Hungarian dance to Hungarian music.

**Tommy:** Good Morning.

**Billy:** Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

**Tommy:** Ah thank you my good man.

**Billy:** What can I do for you, Sir?

**Tommy:** Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

**Billy:** Peckish, sir?

**Tommy:** Esuriant.

**Billy:** Eh?

**Tommy:** 'Ee I were all 'ungry-like!

**Billy:** Ah, hungry!

**Tommy :** In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

**Billy:** Come again?

**Tommy** (losing his patience): **I want to buy some cheese.**

**Billy:** Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

**Tommy:** Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

**Billy:** Sorry?

**Tommy:** 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced to!

**Billy:** So he can go on playing, can he?

**Tommy:** Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

**Billy:** (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

**Tommy:** Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.

**Billy:** I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

**Tommy:** Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

**Billy:** I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

**Tommy:** Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

**Billy:** Ah! It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

**Tommy:** 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

**Billy:** Sorry, sir.

After a few minutes of going through cheese names (Red Windsor, Stilton, Gruyere, Emmental , Norwegian Jarlsberger, Liptauer , Lancashire, White Stilton, Danish Blue, Double Gloucester, Cheshire, Dorset Blue Vinney, Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse Bleu, Perle de Champagne, all with the response of 'No', Tommy finally hits on…

**Tommy:** Camembert, perhaps?

**Billy:** Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.

**Tommy:** (surprised, and rightfully so) You do! Excellent.

**Billy:** Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit runny.

**Tommy:** Oh, I like it runny.

**Billy:** Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

**Tommy:** No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France ! Mmmwah!

**Billy:** I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

**Tommy:** **I don't care how f-ing runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.**

**Billy:** Oooooooooohhh...! (pause)

**Tommy** (in understandable disgust): What now?

**Billy:** The cat's eaten it.

**Tommy:** (pause) Has he?

**Billy:** She, sir.

(pause)

**Tommy:** Gouda?

**Billy:** No.

**Tommy:** It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

**Billy:** Finest in the district, sir.

**Tommy** (again, understandably annoyed): Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please?

**Billy:** Well, it's so clean, sir.

**Tommy:** Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese! OK, have you...will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops) Have you got any Limberger?

**Billy:** No.

**Tommy:** No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any cheese at all?

**Billy:** Yes, sir.

**Tommy:** Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?

**Billy:** No.

Tommy shoots him, then turns to camera.

**Tommy:** What a senseless waste of human life. (puts on cowboy hat, and leaves.)

Cut to stock shot of man on horse riding into the sunset. Music swells dramatically. CAPTION: 'ROGUE CHEDDAR (1967)'

CAPTION: 'FIN'

Cut to: Rocky dressed as simpering London film critic Philip Jenkinson sits at a desk, pouting like a cross between Truman Capote and a pederast vole.

**Rocky:** Horace Walpole's 'Rogue Cheddar', (sniff) one of the first of the Cheese Westerns to be later followed by 'Gunfight at Gruyere Corral', 'Ilchester 73', and 'The Cheese Who Shot Liberty Valence'. While I'm on the subject of Westerns, I want to take a closer look at one of my favourite film directors, Sam Peckinpah, the expatriate from Fresno , California .

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'GET ON WITH IT'

**Rocky:** In his earliest films, 'Major Dundee', (sniff)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'AND STOP SNIFFING'

**Rocky:** 'The Wild Bunch' and 'Straw Dogs' he showed his predilection for the utterly truthful and very sexually arousing portrayal of violence (sniff) in its starkest form. (sniff)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'WILL YOU STOP SNIFFING'

**Rocky:** In his latest film Peckinpah has moved into the calmer and more lyrical waters of Julian Slade's, 'Salad Days'.

Cut to: Lyrical scene of boys in white flannels and girls in pretty dresses frolicking on a lawn to the accompaniment of a piano played by one of the boys.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SALAD DAYS (1971) DIRECTOR SAM PECKINPAH'

(The boys and girls cease frolicking and singing. Wes, as Lionel, enters holding a tennis racket.)

**Wes:** Hello everybody.

**All:** Hello Lionel.

**Wes:** I say what a simply super day.

**All:** Gosh yes.

**Jen: **It's so, you know, sunny.

**Wes:** Yes isn't it? I say anyone for tennis?

**Eric:** Oh super!

**Lucas:** What fun.

**Trip:** I say, Lionel, catch. (He throws the tennis ball to Wes. It hits Wes on the head. He then claps one hand to his forehead, roaring in pain as blood seeps through his fingers.)

**Wes:** Oh gosh. (He tosses his racket out of frame and we hear a hideous scream. The camera pans to pick up Katie in summer frock with the handle of the racket embedded in her stomach. Blood is pouring out down her dress.)

**Katie:** Oh crikey. (Spitting blood out of her mouth she collapses onto the floor clutching at Lucas's arm. The arm comes off. Buckets of blood burst out of the shoulder drenching the girl and anyone else in the area. He staggers backwards against the piano. The piano lid drops, severing the pianist's hands. The pianist, TJ, screams. He stands, blood spurting from his hands over piano music. The piano collapses in slow motion, shot from several angles simultaneously as per 'Zabriskie Point '. Intercut terrified faces of girls screaming in slow motion. The piano eventually crushes them to death; an enormous pool of blood immediately swells up from beneath piano where the girls are. We see Eric stagger across the frame with the piano keyboard through his stomach. As he turns the end of the keyboard knocks off the heads of two terrified people, a girl and a guy who are sitting on the grass nearby. A volcanic quantity of blood geysers upwards. Pull out and upward from this scene as the music starts again.)

Cut back to: **Rocky:** Pretty strong meat there from (sniff) Sam Peckinpah

There is the sound of a burst of machine-gun fire and holes appear in Rocky's shirt. Blood spurting from each hole in slow motion. Intercut shots from different angles.

CAPTION: 'TEE HEE'

(Cut to stock film of First World War fighter planes in a dog-fight. Heroic war music.)

Voice Over: (Billy) The Adventures of Biggles. Part one - 'Biggles Dictates a Letter'.

(Mix through to Zack as Biggles and Kimberly as secretary in an office.)

**Zack:** Miss Bladder, take a letter.

**Kimberly:** Yes, Señor Biggles.

**Zack: **Don't call me señor! I'm not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr Biggles, or Group Captain Biggles or Mary Biggles if I'm dressed as my wife, but never señor.

**Kimberly:** Sorry.

**Zack:** I've never even been to Spain .

**Kimberly:** You went to Ibiza last year.

**Zack:** That's still not grounds for calling me señor, or Don Beeg-les for that matter. Right, Dear King Haakon...

**Kimberly:** Of Norway , is that?

**Zack:** Just put down what I say.

**Kimberly:** Do I put that down?

**Zack:** Of course you don't put that down.

**Kimberly:** Well what about that?

**Zack:** Look. (she types) Don't put that down. Just put down - wait a mo - wait a mo. (puts on antlers) Now, when I've got these antlers on - when I've got these antlers on I am dictating and when I take them off (takes them off) I am not dictating.

**Kimberly:** (types) I am not dictating.

**Zack:** What? (She types. He puts the antlers on) Read that back.

**Kimberly:** Dear King Haakon, I am not dictating. What?

**Zack:** No, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate.

**Kimberly:** I've had enough of this. I am not a courtesan. (moves round to front of the desk, sits on it and crosses her legs provocatively)

**Zack: **Oh, oh, 'courtesan', oh aren't we grand. Harlot's not good enough for us eh? Paramour, concubine, fille de joie. That's what we are not. Well listen to me my fine fellow, you are a bit of tail,that's what you are.

**Kimberly:** I am not, you demented fictional character.

**Zack:** Algy says you are. He says you're no better than you should be.

**Kimberly:** And how would he know?

**Zack:** And just what do you mean by that? Are you calling my old fictional comrade-in-arms a fairy?

**Kimberly:** Fairy! Poof's not good enough for Algy, is it? He's got to be a bleedin' fairy. Mincing old RAF queen. (sits at the desk)

**Zack:** (into the intercom) Algy, I have to see you.

**Billy:** Right ho. (he enters) What ho everyone.

**Zack:** Are you gay?

**Billy:** I should bally well say so, old fruit!

**Zack:** Ugh! (he shoots him) Dear King Haakon... oh... (takes the antlers off) Dear King Haakon. (the secretary types) Just a line to thank you for the eels. Mary thought they were really scrummy, comma, so did I full stop. I've just heard that Algy was a poof, exclamation mark. What would Captain W. E. Johns have said, question mark. Sorry to mensch, but if you've finished with the lawn-edger could you pop it in the post. Love Biggles, Algy deceased and Ginger. Ginger! (puts the antlers on)

**Kimberly:** What?

**Zack:** Rhyming slang - ginger beer.

**Kimberly:** Oh.

**Zack:** (into the intercam) Ginger.

**Adam (poofy):** Hello, sweetie.

**Zack:** I have to see you.

(The door opens, Adam enters as a terrible poof in camp flying gear, sequins, eye make-up, silver stars on his cheeks.)

**Adam:** Yes, Biggles?

**Zack:** Are you a poof ?

**Adam:** (camp outrage) I should say not. (flounces out of office)

**Zack:** Thank God for that. Good lad. (Ginger exits) Stout fellow, salt of the earth, backbone of England . Funny, he looks like a poof. (takes off the antlers) Dear Princess Margaret.

(Tanya as a Pantomime Princess Margaret enters from cupboard.)

**Tanya:** Hello.

**Zack:** Get back in the cupboard you pantomimetic royal person. (she goes)

(Quick cut to Carlos as a loony.)

**Carlos:** Lemon curry?

(Cut back to Zack.)

**Zack:** Dear _real _Princess Margaret, thank you for the eels, full stop. They were absolutely delicious and unmistakably regal, full stop. Sorry to mensch but if you've finished with the hairdryer could you pop it in the post? Yours fictionally Biggles, Oh, P.S. see you at the Saxe-Coburgs canasta evening. (puts the antlers on) That should puzzle her.

**Kimberly:** (sexily) Si Señor Biggles.

**Zack:** Silence, naughty lady of the night!

(Bring up heroic music and mix through to stock film of fighter planes in dog-fight.)

Voice Over: Next week part two - 'Biggles Flies Undone'.

Cut To; Church social. Billy as the Church Lady

**Kendrix:** (drinking heavily already) Well, congratulations, Enid, on another wonderful church potluck luncheon. It's just too bad that the rain had to keep everyone away from it, now isn't it?

**Billy:** Well, those absentees afraid of a little moisture will be **praying** for rain when they're burning in eternal hellfire!

**Kendrix:** Enid, I think that's _God's_ decision, not _yours_.

**Billy:** Oh. Well, perhaps we'll find ourselves one day in a lake of fire! In a rowboat, with one oar, going, "I should have been nicer!"

Kendrix steps aside, as Alyssa, as Ginny Barton enters

**Alyssa:** I'm sorry I'm late, Church Lady, but I had to drop off a dish to my boyfriend's invalid mother.

Billy: Well, apparently some of us show up when it's _con-vee-nient_!

**Alyssa:** No. I couldn't help it. I got tied up.

**Billy:** Well, isn't that special? Apparently, some of us need little accoutrements to help us perform our dirty little sex acts!

**Alyssa:** No! Church Lady, I had to hand-feed his mother Jell-O, because her arthritis was so bad..

**Billy:** Well, there's a pretty little picture. Us, in our clingy little dress and our red, sexual lips. Peter's poor mother calling out, "Feed me, Jenny, feed me!" And you saying, "Not now, Granny, I'm busy fornicating!"

**Alyssa:** No, Church Lady! It wasn't like that at all!

**Billy:** Well, I beg to differ. You probably just can't remember much, dear. Not much blood makes it up to our little brain when our tingly, naughty parts are engorged! (changes subject) Well, I'm glad we can put that topic behind us now. Let's look at your little luncheon dish.

**Alyssa:** (holds up her small dish) It's called Cherry Jell-O Jubilee.

**Billy:** (mocking) Cherry Jell-O Jubilee. Well, isn't that special? Oh, it's red! What a super color, red! You know whose favorite color red is? Let's see, let me think.. is it, um… Little Red Riding Hood? No, that's not it… Is it… Nancy Reagan? No, that's not what I'm thinking of… I'm stumped! Oh, wait a minute, Dodo-head, I know who I'm thinking of, that's right - **SATAN!** (picks up Jenny's small dish and compares it to the larger casserole she brought) Well… well… isn't that just super? As you can see, I brought a 95-quart turkey casserole, that could _feed_ the Lord's congregation… and you bring a little tiny bowl of Jell-O. Well, I'm afraid my casserole's just a _little_ bit superior to yours. Therefore, I do my little Superior Dance! Pearl?

But before Pearl plays the organ, Kimberly storms over, and gets right in the Church Lady's face.

**Kimberly:** **HOW DARE YOU**! You selfish hyppocrite! You sit there on your high and mighty throne, judging everyone else while exempting yourself, spewing pious hatred on others, not being kind or understanding, separating yourself from humanity, not one connection to the human race…and now you tear apart a young girl who has done nothing but try and help people…just because you want to feel superior…what you really are, Church Lady, is a hateful, prissy, stuck up, judgemental, evil, vicious little **BITCH!**

The Church Lady is blown away by Kimberly's outburst.

**Billy:** (stunned, stammering) Well, I…I guess I can be a little… judgmental of others…

**Kimberly:** A LITTLE?! You make Hitler look kind and understanding! God does not promote hatred, and if anyone is going to taste hellfire from all their actions here on Earth, it's sure to be **YOU!**

Kimberly storms away, leaving a stunned Billy

**Billy:** (devastated) Well, I guess you all would rather I not be here, because, according to Kimberly, I'm not a very nice person. But, since I was in charge of this potluck,, I don't know who else could take over. Who else could you get on such short notice. Could it beeeee…SATAN?! Hit it Pearl!

Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady performs her Superior Dance; Jason as Minister Bob soon enters

**Billy:** Oh! Well, look, everybody! It's Minister Bob!

**Jason:** Hello, everybody!

**Everyone**: Hi, Minister Bob!

**Jason:** Oh, my, my! Don't we look lovely today!

**Everyone**: Thank you, Minister Bob!

**Jason:** (to Church Lady) And, _you_, especially.

**Billy:** (blushing, visibly perking up after Kimberly's tongue lashing) You know what, Minister Bob? Satan **hates** you, because you're _so_ good!

**Jason:** (chuckles) And he can't stand _your_ guts, either, Church Lady!

**Billy:** Oh, Minister Bob, you're just the cutest thing in pants! You're a **super** Minister Bob!

**Jason:** Well, I try!

**Billy:** Others _try_. You **do!**

Kendrix re-enters the room, drunk as hell

**Kendrix:** Hey! Hey, Church Lady! You're so damn high and mighty, aren't ya', huh? But you know what I _really_ think of your turkey casserole? It **sucks!**

**Jason:** Now, now, now! Now, just calm down!

Kendrix is pulled back

**Billy:** Oh, Barb's intoxicated in public! Isn't that special!

**Jason:** Now, hold your horses, little one!

**Kendrix:** Oh, you **butt out**, Bob! This is between me and her! I've been waiting to get to her for twelve years!

**Billy:** (ready to fight) I wouldn't try it, Barb! I would **tear** you apart! Come on, I want to **eat** you!

Jason breaks them apart

**Jason:** That's enough! Settle down now! Now, Barb?

**Kendrix:** What?

**Jason:** I just want to calm you down a little, and I'm gonna tell you a little joke.

**Kendrix:** Alright, what?

**Jason:** Knock-knock.

**Kendrix:** Who's there?

**Jason:** Barb's large liver.

**Kendrix:** (confused) Barb's large liver who?

**Jason:** I don't know, Barb. But I do know _this_: you're gonna have to answer to a higher power.

**Billy:** Oh. And who might _that_ be?

**Jason:** Ohhh.. I don't know.

**Billy:** Could it be..?

**Jason:** Ohhh.. it's possible.

**Billy:** You mean?

**Jason:** Yes, I think we're both talking about..

**Billy & Jason:** **SATAN!**

Upset, Kendrix falls across the room and stumbles onto a nearby table

**Billy:** Well, it looks like we're just a _little_ bit superior to others!

**Jason:** It looks like it, doesn't it?

**Billy:** Yes. Well, you know what that is? It's **special!**

**Jason:** Oh? Isn't that special?

**Billy:** Pearl!

Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady and Minister Bob perform their Superior Dance to fade

Cut to: Twirling statue of Liberty. Bruce Springsteen's Hungry Heart plays as announcer speaks.

**Announcer**: And now, "Weekend Update", with anchorperson Jason Lee Scott.

Cut to: Weekend Update desk. Jason sits behind it dressed as Dennis Miller.

**Jason:** Thank you. Good evening, what can I tell you?

The big story this week, of course - the election - and the next President will be George Bush, the _Republican_. I say this because a recent NBC News poll shows that 60% of "Saturday Night Live" viewers get all, or most, of their news from "Weekend Update".

And now that the election is over, I think a little self-examination is in order - did we at "Weekend Update" contribute to a campaign that was dreadfully short on issues? A little mea culpa here - on the week that George Bush gave a major speech on trade policy, we did a joke comparing Marilyn Quayle's hair to Laura Petrie's. And the week Michael Dukakis outlined his defense strategy, we did a joke comparing Quayle's head to a pumpkin with no candle in it. So, yes, we could have done better. But we're only human, and all I can say is we'll have to try harder.

In the news this week: President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up and admitted that the only reason he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him in the next four years. "This guy is a walking, breathing bullet-proof vest," said Bush.

And now, "Weekend Update" has an exclusive interview with Imelda Marcos, as we go live to her home in Hawaii, via sattelite. Mrs. Marcos, can you hear me? This is Dennis Miller at "Weekend Update".

Shows shot film of Taylor as Imelda Marcos as it appears on the screen behind him

**Taylor:** Yes, I can hear you.

**Jason:** Mrs. Marcos, how are you feeling now, faced with the possibility of going to prison?

**Taylor:** Prison? My God, I am a prisoner _Now_! My husband is very sick, we have been stripped of our dignity. My God! We have nothing!

**Jason:** What about those three big buildings in Manhatten?

**Taylor:** They are not that big. They are not that big!

**Jason:** Oh, come on, Mrs. Howell! Are we supposed to think that you and Thurston are helping the Professor make radio headphones out of coconut shells? Come on! This is Jason, level with me, baby!

**Taylor:** Okay, we took the money, dammit! I admit it! We took it! And we knew what to do with it, man, you'd better believe it! We ripped off the whole Phillippine National Treasury, buster! We had a lot of money, you'd better believe it! And let me tell you something, I knew how to party. I **was** the party! I was hot! I could disco all night long and look like a million bucks the next day! Damn you! I partied with George Hamilton! I had a life, man, you'd better believe it! You can't touch what I had! Now, all I have is my husband, Ferdinand. Hmmph, he's some barrel of monkeys, yeah… I'm a broken woman, I'm telling you, but I'm coming back, don't worry, I'm coming back! I'm coming back! (singing) _Fame! I'm gonna live forever! Light up the sky like a flame!_"(Trini walks into shot and bitchslaps her as the satellite cuts her off )

**Jason:** Well, I think we lost her. Thank you, Imelda. You know, you're looking amazingly life-like as of late.

Believe it or not, 33 years ago, Nadia Comanechi, the fifteen-year-old darling of the 1976 Olympics had just begun a 60-city tour of the United States, and, frankly, America back then couldn't be happier. She was like poetry in motion, and we have this stock footage for you right now.

cut to stock footage of Kimberly as Nadia Comaneci doing gymnastics - a flip, a tumble, looking cute for the crowd

**Kimberly:** Hi! I'm Nadia Comaneci! Aren't I **cute!** Please. Come see me perform all over this country when I come to _your_ city! I'm only fifteen-years-old now, but I have to make all the money I can, because I won't be cute forever! Before you know it, I'll grow up to be a big **fat** Romanian woman with fat thighs and a moustache like my mother! We _don't_ age so good! So, who's gonna want to see me then? It's so hard to do gymnastics while you're arguing with storekeepers! So, see me now, while I'm _still_ **darling!** Bye!

Cut back to Jason

**Jason:** The Pillsbury Doughboy donned boxing gloves in recent financial ads to show his company's resistance to hostile corporate takeovers. The move brought fight promoter Don King to announce that Sugar Ray Leonard will meet the Doughboy for 15 rounds next month in Atlantic City. Leonard says his fight strategy is to go for the head, since every time you hit the guy in the stomach, he just giggles.

Now, we'd like to welcome a new member to our Update team, the former All-Star second baseman for the New York Mets, Chico Escuela. Welcome, Chico.

Zack appears, dressed as Chico, clears his throat as a photo of smiling Chico Escuela in baseball uniform and holding a bat appears on the screen behind him.

**Jason:** Chico will be covering the sports scene for Weekend Update.

Applause for Chico, a Dominican ballplayer who sits opposite Jason - he has a thick Dominican accent and speaks very little English

**Zack****:** Thank you. Thank you, berry, berry much. ... Base-ball ... been berry, berry good to me. ... Thank you, Hason. ...

Photo of major league ballplayer Pete Rose

Pete-ee Rose ... Base-ball been berry, berry good to Pete Rose. ... Three - point - two - million - dollar para Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle, you bet. ... Thank you very, very much. National Football League schedule is shown In - foot-ball ... I don't know - football. ... In Dominican Republic, foot-ball is - how you say, Hason? Um - Oh! - soccer! Your football—(pause) I don't know. ... (Hockey graphic) In National Hockey League ... (shakes his head) I don't know hockey ... (applause, photo of smiling Chico again) In base-ball- Base-ball been berry, berry good to me! ... Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. (applause) Hason? Thank you, Hason.

**Jason:** (genuinely enthusiastic) Great job, Chico. I'm glad that we haven't hired just another stupid ex-jock sportscaster. ...

The United States has long criticized France for its policy of selling arms to terrorist nations. We've been referring to French as a "nation of whores." But now, in the wake of the Iranian Arms Scandal, many feel that the U.S. owes the French an apology. Here with advice on how we can repair our damaged relations with France is international sex kitten, Babette.

Kat walks in as French sex kitten Babette

**Ka****t****:** Thank you very much. You know, if America wants to win back the French, they must remember that France is like a woman. And when a woman has been betrayed, he must know how to handle her. The American must be gentle. He must call her. "Hello, darling? Forgive me, I've been a fool." And the French will say, "How dare you call me after calling me a whore!" And the American will say, "No, _I'm_ the whore! I'm a hypocrite." And the French will say, "I know, now goodbye." And the American will say, "Wait, wait! What about the flowers I sent?" And we will say, "I spit on your flowers!" And you will say, "But I worship you - I adore you. You are an angel." And we will say, "Yes, that's true. But you called me a whore!" And he will say, "Your legs are those of a goddess. Your lips are like wine. Your skin is like fine silk." And I will say, "I must go." And he will say, "How can you turn away from a man who lives only to look at you?" And I will say, "I don't know.." "A man who thinks you are as priceless as any art in the Louvre, as mysterious as the Mona Lisa." And I will say, "Yes!" And you will say, "You are so sensual, you should be wrapped in diamonds, and I will bite them off your body one by one." And I will say, "Yes! Do that!" And he wil say, "I must have you." And I will say, "Yes, you must!" And I will say, "Call me a whore!" And he will say, "What?" "I said, 'Call me a whore!' Say it!" He will say, "Alright, you're a whore!" "Yes! I'm a whore! I'm a whore! Take me!"

Jason lights Kat's waiting cigarette

**Jason:** Babette! Babette! Are you alright? Are you alright?

**Kat:** I'm very hot right now!

**Jason:** Thank you. Babette, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. You know, the Grammys were held Wednesday evening and George Michael failed to show up to collect his award for Album of the Year. But he's here tonight to tell us why. George Michael.

Tommy walks in as George Michael, complete with leather shades and British accent

**Tommy:** All right, all right. Thank you. (cheers and applause) Faith. Thank you. Thank you, Jason. You know, I've been rather busy lately, you know, starting work on the new album and filming videos, you know. Well, appearance is very important, as you know. Hair - is important. Face. And, of course, butt.

**Jason:** Well, George, if you're so concerned with your image, why were you a no-show at the Grammys?

**Tommy:** Butt maintenance is very important. And, in fact, that is why I missed the telly-cast. I began preparing my butt a full forty-eight hours before the Grammys. I did a mineral pre-soak. I plucked it, waxed it, buffed it. And, as I was applying the sealant, I looked up and Billy Crystal was saying, "Good night!"

**Jason:** Let's get back to your work, George. What about your new album?

**Tommy:** But - but look at it. Look at it.

rises, shows butt to Jason

**Tommy:** Don't - don't be afraid of it, Jason. Don't deny it. Look at it. (wiggles butt) It's a nice butt. Look at it. It won't hurt you, Jason. It's your friend.

**Jason:** Yeah. I know, George, I know, I know.

**Tommy****:** (sits) You fear my butt because you don't understand it. You resist it like all the others before you, yet its power only grows. ...

**Jason:** Have you spoken to Andy Ridgeley lately?

**Tommy:** What about my butt?! (rises, shows butt to Jason) Look at it! You can't take your eyes off it, can you?!

Jason stares deadpan at the wiggling butt, occasionally glancing at the audience

**Tommy: **It's hypnotic! Try to look away! You can't look away! Try to look away! You can't! Look at it! Look at it! (sits) Did you know - did you know, Jason, that my butt has the power to heal? Put a wilted flower near my butt. It blooms! I don't claim to understand it, I'm only its servant!

**Jason:** George. George, man, let's get off the butt thing-

**Tommy: **Jason, my butt will not be trifled with! (rises, shows butt to Jason) Do its bidding, Jason! Save yourself! Resist and die! Surrender and live eternally! My butt will prevail! It will outlive us all! For I have achieved perfect buttness!

cheers, applause and whistling as Tommy rises and rips off his microphone - he and his butt exit

**Jason:** (after a pause) Bummer.

Long-distance runner Joan Benoit suffered a bad fall on the last miles of the New York City Marathon on Sunday, when she collided with a young spectator. The child was okay, but Benoit had to be destroyed.

Because of the scarcity of gasoline, the National Safety Council predicts that there will be fewer cars on the road this holiday weekend. Here to comment further on this situation is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Huge cheers and applause for Trini dressed as a loud Latina woman with the increasingly frizzy hair.

**Trini:** Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot, Jason! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick that says:

Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

This weekend is boring for me.  
I gotta stay home in Fort Lee.  
Having no gas, I declare,  
Is a pain in the rear  
'Cause you can't say "ass" on TV. ...

Well, Mr. Feder ... I didn't know you AND Nipsey Russell were livin' in New Jersey. ... But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause this weekend, I - Roseanne Roseannadanna - was plannin' on drivin' out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in my apartment and sweat like a dog! ... And you know somethin'? I _love_ goin' to the beach on Memorial Day - 'cause you get to see a lot of pink and white and real pale people with stuff on 'em that's been growin' under their clothes all winter! ... Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashes and clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs and you don't WHAT they are! ...

But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to Jones Beach. And I was havin' a great time swimmin' and lyin' on my towel and soakin' up the sunshine and lookin' like a little doll ... when who - _who_ do I see on the beach but _Mr.__ Weekend Update himself,_ Jason Lee Scott! (cheers and applause as we pan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jason) That's right! Little Jason! And he looks so cute in his black bathing suit with his tight little thighs! ... And those little thighs still had the little underwear marks from when he changed in the car and everything. ... So I yelled, "Hey! Jason! What are you doin' at Jones Beach?!"

But Jason wasn't listenin' to me. And you know why? 'Cause he musta had this big lump o' wet sand in the bottom of his bathing suit that was like a bulge that itches. ... Well, Jason - Jason kept stickin' his hand in his pants tryin' to get the sand out and then flickin' it away! ... And he was - he was there on the beach and he was jumpin' up and down and around, and flickin' sand out of his bathing suit.

Jason, deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting a paper clip out of shape

**Trini:** And no matter what Jason did - when he was walkin', when he was buyin' ice cream or playin' Frisbee or anything - he just kept flickin' at his bathing suit bottom. He just wouldn't take his hands out of his pants! ... I thought he had a fish in there or somethin'! ... (applause) So, anyways, I yelled, "Hey! Jason! Quit flickin' at yourself! What are you tryin' to do?! Make me sick?!" Well, I couldn't believe the way he-

**Jason**: Roseanne, shut up!

**Trini:** (makes a face) ... Well, what's with _you,_ Jason?

**Jason**: Roseanne, people - all sorts of people have little odd things that happen to them. Why do you insist on coming on and straying from the subject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? This man asked you about the gas shortage.

**Trini:** Well, Jason, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you don't have gas or you got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of your bathing suit. ... You know, it's just like the little song that my father used to sing to me before I went to bed at night. It's a song about _you,_ Jane! And it was recorded in 1956 by the Roseannadanna Brothers. ... And it goes like this:

snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tune of the Everly Brothers' hit song "All I've Got to Do is Dream"

_When I need you to be my friend  
When I need favors I can depend  
Whenever I want you  
All I got to yell is "Ja-a-a-a-ason!"_

puts a friendly arm around Jason who smiles, won over

_I sure think you're fine  
I say it all the time  
I think that you're a real peach!  
The only trouble is  
Gee whiz!  
You make me sick on the beach! ... _

Jason's face falls, applause

_I need you so, I wanna die!  
You got some stuff there in your eye! ...  
Do you wanna Kleenex?_ [grabs a tissue and offers it to a disgusted Jason]  
_Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ason!_

Jason pushes the tissue away

**Jason (angrily)**: Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna.

**Trini:** (waves into camera) Good night!

**Jason:** Another update on that whale story: the two whales surfaced again this week, as they popped up through the ice in somebody's Big Gulp outside a 7-11 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

You know, the movie sequel "Ernest Saves Christmas" was released this week, one of the biblical signs that Armageddon is near.

And Meryl Streep's new film, "The Life of Emo Phillips" was released yesterday.

**Jason:** Guess what, folks? That's the news, and I.. am.. out of here!

open on married couple raking leaves in their backyard

**Kimberly:** Hi. I'm beautiful, but stupid. And I've found the soap that helps me stay that way. My husband says I look natural and unspoiled, and he loves the way I never bother him with my opinions. Let's face it - good looks and complex human emotions just don't mix. I guess that's why I use Angora Bouquet with pH Formula 23.

dissolve to footage of Wife washing her face, as the image makes waves

**Kimberly**** V/O**: Angora Bouquet's thousands of tiny tranquilizers penetrate your skin to wash reality away, and make your mind and skin as clear as a baby's.

dissolve back to Kimberly in the yard, raking leaves with the rake held upside-down

**Kimberly:** You see, Angora Bouquet actually contains methaqualone, the same tranquilzing agent that is found in those large white pills I often come across in Bill, Jr.'s jeans pockets when I do the laundry.

Tommy turns her rake over to the correct position

**Tommy:** Honey, why don't you try the _other_ side of the rake? You can get a little more leaves that way.

**Kimberly:** I guess that's why my soap is Angora Bouquet with pH Formula 23.

Kimberly accidentally steps on the rake, sending it slamming into Tommy's face

**Announcer**: Angora Bouquet. Washes your brain, as well as your face.

**Cut to:** Link set. Kimberly, Trini, and Jen are talking to Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox.

**Jen:** Now, I LOVE 'Friends', but what are you two doing on this train wreck of a show?

**Courtney Cox:** We heard that you are doing a scene from our show, and one from 'How I Met Your Mother'.

**Jennifer Aniston:** We wanted to see how you did them.

**Trini:** Fine, no pressure.

**Kimberly:** And now, in the following roles…

Jason/Joey

Kimberly/Rachel

Tommy/Ross

Zack/Chandler

Trini/Monica

Kat/Phoebe

Taylor/Erica

**Scene changes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. Everyone is watching **_**Days of Our Lives**_**.**

_**TV DOCTOR:**__ You're the only one who can save her Drake._

_**JASON ON TV:**__ Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God._

**ZACK:** Well, there goes my whole belief system.

knock at the door

**TAYLOR:** It's Erica.

**JASON:** Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.

**KIMBERLY:** No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.

**JASON:** Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.

**KIMBERLY:** Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?

**TRINI:** Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.

**JASON:** Hey Erica, c'mon in.

**TAYLOR:** How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem ?

**ZACK:** Right, they uh, they choppered him in.

**JASON:** What's up?

**TAYLOR:** Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?

**JASON:** Who?

**TAYLOR:** Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.

**JASON:** It's not what you think, that was...

**KAT:** It wasn't?

**TOMMY:** PHOEBE!

**TAYLOR:** You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in Jason's face]

**JASON:** Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Ramoray , OK . I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

**TAYLOR:** Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

**TRINI:** No writer can come up with stuff like this!

**JASON:** Somebody wanna help me out here?

**KIMBERLY:** Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Jason in on it.]

**TAYLOR:** How, how can you be here and there.

**JASON:** 'Cause it's a television show.

**TAYLOR:** Drake, what're you getting at?

**JASON **(EXASPERATED): I'm not Drake.

**TOMMY:** That's right, he's not Drake, he's…(turns towards camera and says in dramatic soap opera effect) Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin.

Zack & Kimberly bite their lips to keep from laughing

**TAYLOR:** Is this true?

**KIMBERLY:** Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

**TRINI:** And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]

**TOMMY: **And you ran off with my wife, you son of a bitch! [throws water in his face]

**KAT:** And you eat MEAT! [throws water in his face]

**ZACK:** And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]

**TAYLOR:** Is all this true?

**JASON:** Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem , find him, he's the guy for you.

**TAYLOR:** Oh Hans. [They kiss]

**TOMMY:** Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.

**JASON:** Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem . Take care

**TAYLOR:** I'll never forget you Hans. [Jason shuts the door in her face, turns to his friends smiling, then gets mad]

**JASON:** OK, alright, the people who threw the water...

Everyone starts to back away as Jason comes at them. Cut to: Link set Carter starts to speak to audience, when Cobie Smulders comes into shot

**Cobie Smulders:** Carter, have you seen the script…oh, there it is…(steps on Carter's foot while getting the script)

**Carter:** OWWWW! Please be careful!

**Cobie Smulders:** Sorry, but your feet are so big, they're kinda hard to miss!

Conner walks in

**Conner:** What was that noise?

**Carter:** One of our guests stepped on my foot.

**Conner:** Carter, if you can sound like that, you have a future as a grunge singer!

**Carter:** Me, I doubt it!

Kira walks on set then

**Kira:** Conner's right, listen to this…(stomps on Carter's foot. Carter screams in pain)

**Carter:** YEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWW!

**Conner:** You see? (Stomps on Carter's foot. More screaming)

**Jason Segel:** What's going on here?

**Kira:** Conner and Cobie were showing me just how well Carter can sing, listen to this!

Kira stomps on Carter's foot. More screaming from Carter

**Jason Segel:** You're right, you may have something here! (Stomps on Carter's foot. Screams get louder)

**Cobe Smulders:** This is actually kinda fun! (All stomp on his foot)

Cut to: Conehead living room. Kira, as Connie Conehead, wearing tall, pointy witch hat and carrying jack-o-lantern, enters and sits on the couch. She removes the witch hat to reveal her cone.

SUPER: "Return of the Coneheads"

doorbell rings – Kat, as Prymaat enters from kitchen, picks up six-pack of beer and fried eggs from an end table.

**Kat:** Aagghhh! The little humans, when will they cease?

answers door

**Kids**: Trick or treat?

**Kat:** (sarcastic) Oh, my. Your costumes are so frightening. Here. Accept these treats.

thrusts the beer and fried eggs into their bags, then slams the door shut

**Kira:** Mommy, I must split to join my human friends and their Halloween activities.

**Kat:** Activities?

**Kira:** Apple bobbing.

**Kat:** Apple bobbing?

**Kira:** Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. The emersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyant fruit with a major orifice.

**Kat:** **Unacceptable! Unacceptable!**

**Kira:** But, Mom..

**Kat:** (standing) **Beldar!**

Tommy, as Beldar Conehead,marches into the living room, gruff

**Tommy:** Prymaat. **Why** have you summoned me from the sleep chamber? It is _only_ the 55th hour of my Megmazome Storage Stage.

**Kat:** Our young cone wishes to perform apple bobbing.

**Tommy:** Apple bobbing?

**Kat:** Apple bobbing.

**Kira:** Apple bobbing! A Halloween ritual!

**Tommy:** Oh, Connie, I want no knowledge of this human activity. Halloween, a miserable Earth festival. It is regrettable that the High Master demanded that we return to this planet. On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under the Moons of Mipzor. Now, that's a party! All the gellato spirots will be harvested and smoked.

**Kira:** So what? Big deal!

**Kat:** The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I first saw Beldar's cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued and captured the greased garfok, which was roasted for all to consume.

**Tommy:** This miserable Earth festival is nothing but a ritual costume fantasy for the young ones, who move through the night demanding small consumables.

the doorbell rings again, as they all scream

**Kat:** The little humans. Beldar, go brief them and dispense the consumables.

**Tommy:** (opens door to Conner and Jen) Greetings. Enter. Accept these treats - beer and fried eggs.

**Kat:** Aren't you humans a little old for this sort of thing?

**Conner:** Well, we're not trick-or-treating. I'm Carl van Arsdale, and this is my wife Sharlene. We're Block Parents, here at Parkwood Heights.

**Jen:** Yes. I know your family's just moved into the neighborhood, and I'm sorry we had to meet under thse circumstances.. I don't know where you people are from, but we at Parkwood Heights do not give liquor to minors!

**Conner:** Yes, we were extremely upset to find six-packs of brewski in the children's trick-or-treat bags. Now, we are seriously considering reporting this to the police, Mr...?

**Tommy:** Conehead! I am Beldar. This is Prymaat, and our young one, Connie.

**Kat:** We're from France!

**Conner:** Oh. You're from France? Well, _that_ could explain part of it. I know that in France, children start drinking at an earlier age…

**Kira:** Correct! Correct! We apologize for causing you this anxiety. My parental units were merely attempting to… _conform_ to the Halloween rites.

**Kat:** We will cease dispensing the canned consumables. It is permissable to dispense fried chicken embryos?

**Jen:** _Chicken embryos_?

**Conner:** Fried eggs, honey.

**Jen:** Fried eggs as _treats_? Well… I guess it's alright…

**Tommy:** We invite you to stay with us. We will honor your Halloween ritual by paying homage to the symbolic vegetable orb.

the Coneheads surround the jack-o-lantern on the coffee table

**Conner:** Hey, uh… no thanks. We already had a few pieces of vegetable orb pie!

**Jen:** Yes. Bye bye! Happy Halloween! We _love_ your costumes.

**Conner:** Yeah. (they both exit)

**Kira:** Humans. They're not essentially party organisms.

**Tommy:** Correct. Shall we begin?

The three of them bite into the jack-o-lantern, enjoying their Halloween feast

Cut to; Studio. Carter is standing on chair barefoot. Jason Segel is pacing before him, adapting an almost Swedish accent…

**Jason Segel:** Carter…boy…I have been hired to teach you to sing…so that you can become a grunge pop star. (To himself) Why they want a grunge singer to take singing lessons is beyond me, I thought the entire point was that they couldn't sing at all…

**Carter** (nervous): That's ok, you really don't have to…

**Jason Segel:** Nonsense! I am being well paid for this! Now, I want to hear 'C crunch major'…

**Carter:** C crunch…

Becomes clear as Jason Segel whips out thick mallet and hits his bare feet

**Carter:** EEEEEEEEYOWWWW!

Cut to; classroom

**Mr. Schidtler:** Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Kimberly?

**Kimberly:** Earth.

**Mr. Schidtler:** Right, that's one. Zack?

**Zack:** Air.

**Mr. Schidtler:** Yeah, that's right, that's two. Trini?

**Trini:** Uh... fire!

**Mr. Schidtler:** Right! And now, Jason. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

**Jason:** Yeah, but I'm not going to.

**Mr. Schidtler: **Well Jason, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

**Jason:** _You _don't know?

**Mr. Schidtler:** No, Jason, _YOU_ don't know!

**Jason:** That's what I said; _You_ don't know.

**Mr. Schidtler:** NO! You say, I don't know! (realizes what he has just said) Oh, no…

A beautiful stream of green slime hits Mr. Schidtler

**Jason:** You know seeing you get slimed like that makes what's about to happen to me worth this. Water.

Jason smiles as he is drenched.

**Mr. Schidtler** (crying): Just once, why can't I win just once?!

Cut to: link set. The kids have just decided to form a band to back Carter when he goes out touring.

**Carter:** Okay, what do we call (the band)?

**Kelsey:** Beats me.

**Carter:** No, I don't really like the sound of that. Joel, do you have any ideas?

**Joel:** I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

**Carter:** No, no, Joel, that's too intellectual. Ryan, you must have a good idea?

**Ryan:** I don't know.

Guess what happens next.

**Ryan:** (angrily) Carter, you did that on PURPOSE!

.

**Carter:** No! Ryan, no, really, it didn't have anything to do with me. I just forgot to tell you that on this show you can't say "I don't know," or you'll get slimed-

Slime downpour No. 2

**Dana:** Wait a minute, I've got a great idea! Why don't we call our group the Green Slimes?

Ryan and Carter grab Dana's throat and start to strangle her

Cut to: open on classroom with students, Matthew Perry, as Mr. Bennett sits on a desk in front and drinks coffee]

**Matthew Perry**: Oh, and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.

**Rocky:** You're welcome.

**Matthew Perry**: Yeah, there's nothing like an hour in the rain.

**Trini:** Oh, wait-wait-wait! Oh, I get it. You're saying that because you don't want him to park in your spot.

**Matthew Perry**: Very good, you win the trip to Jamaica.

**Rocky:** Hey, wait a minute! You didn't say there was a prize.

**Matthew Perry**: Wow, could you _be_ any stupider?

Kimberly enters through door

**Kimberly:** Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?

**Matthew Perry**: No, it's Lamaze class for men named Arthur.

**Kimberly:** Oh, okay, sorry. (turns to exit)

**Matthew Perry**: I'm kidding. It _is_ Sarcasm 101. Be more gullible. Take any seat you want. (Marissa begins to sit at a desk near the front) Except that one. I'm kidding. Sit down.

**Kimberly:** (sits) It's really hard to tell.

**Matthew Perry**: Thank you. What's your name?

**Kimberly:** Kimberly.

**Matthew Perry**: Well done. Marissa has just learned what? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?

**Tommy:** Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech.

**Zack:** Could you be _more_ of a teacher's pet?

**Matthew Perry**: Zack, I heard that. Good one. Okay, last week's assignment was how you would describe the food in England. Trini?

**Trini:** The food is _so_ good there.

**Matthew Perry**: Excellent.

**Tommy**: Boiling everything is a really super-smart way to cook everything.

**Matthew Perry**: Well done. Kevin?

**Rocky:** When my dad eats, he sounds like a pig!

**Matthew Perry**: No, no, that _couldn't_ be more wrong.

**Rocky:** But-

**Matthew Perry**: And just so you know, Rocky, I don't like it when you say things.

**Rocky:** My dad's from England!

**Matthew Perry**: See, I see your mouth moving and I hear all these sounds, but it's just, like, coming out like, "Whooo, blah-be-boo, woo, my dad, my dad!" So you see, Kimberly, England is famous for having awful food, so-

**Kimberly:** Why do you have to criticize everybody? I mean, I'm sure they have _some_ good food.

**Matthew Perry**: Oh, let's see. What was I going to say in response to that? Oh, right, "I don't care."

**Kimberly:** See, now you're just being rude.

**Matthew Perry**: Be more sensitive.

**Trini:** Way to take a joke, Kimberly.

**Matthew Perry**: Good one.

**Tommy**: Hey, Kimberly. Kimberly, whenever you talk I want to have sex with you even less.

**Matthew Perry**: That's not quite sarcasm, Tommy, but an excellent try.

**Kimberly:** You people are cruel!

**Matthew Perry**: (mockingly) "You people are cruel!" That wasn't sarcasm. I just enjoyed doing that. Okay, quick pop quiz for everybody, okay? You walk into a bar and you see a fat, ugly, disgusting guy in the corner. You turn to your friends and you say...what?

**Zack**: Could he _be_ any larger?

**Trini:** Could he _be_ any uglier?

**Rocky:** He looks like my dad!

**Matthew Perry**: Whoah, Kevin, try again.

**Rocky:** He looks a great deal like my...dad!

**Matthew Perry**: Class?

**Class**: Be _more_ stupid?

**Kimberly:** You're not very nice!

**Matthew Perry**: No, no, no, try saying it, "Could you _be_ any meaner?"

**Kimberly:** I don't think you _could_ be.

**Matthew Perry**: Kimberly, why did you come here?

**Kimberly:** My mother says I have no sense of humor.

**Matthew Perry**: Re-he-heally?

**Zack: **Mr. Bennett, I was wondering if we could waste _more_ time catering to Kimberly's mommy issues instead of actually learning something?

**Matthew Perry**: Excellent, Zack.

**Kimberly:** I don't see what's so funny!

**Tommy**: Now there's a shocker.

**Trini:** I nominate Kimberly for class president because of her incisive wit.

**Kimberly:** You people just don't know when to stop!

**Zack:** Why don't you _cry_ about it?

**Matthew Perry**: Hey, hey, hey. (a beat) Great one.

**Tommy**: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that's enough, man. I think she's really crying.

**Trini:** Yeah, Mr. Bennett, lay off now.

**Rocky:** I want to take a bath with Kimberly! I mean, that is to say, could I want _more_ to...to...Can I take a bath with Kimberly?

Kimberly stops crying, stands, and walks to the front of the room

**Kimberly:** Zack, excellent. Trini, be weaker. Tommy, be more of a baby. And, Rocky, no, you can not.

**Matthew Perry**: Everybody, meet Kimberly Hart, my teaching assistant.

**Tommy**: She was faking?

**Kimberly:** Catch on slower.

**Rocky:** Hey! I don't think she's really a student.

**Kimberly:** Be a bigger moron.

**Rocky:** Can I still take a bath with you, or?

**Matthew Perry**: All right, that's time, people. Tonight's assignment is to be glib to somebody you're afraid of.

students rise and exit the classroom

**Tommy**: Great. Hey, could this class suck more?

**Zack:** Could the teacher be any worse?

**Rocky:** Could she take a bath with me?!

**Trini: **(to Rocky) Be more of a complete idiot?

**Kimberly:** (to Trini) Good one.

Cut to: Recording studio; Trini singing lead. Zack on lead guitar, Kimberly on bass guitar, Jason on keyboards, Tommy on synthesizer, Kira on rhythm guitar, Billy on drums. Jason Segel announces the band…

**Jason Segel:** And now…MMPR!

Trini starts to sing.

**Trini:** _It's all because of you, I'm feeling sad and blue_

_You went away now my life is just a rainy day_

_I love you so, how much you'll never know_

_You've gone away and left me lonely_

_Untouchable memories seem to keep haunting me_

_Of love so true that once turned all my gray skies blue_

_But you've disappeared, now my eyes are filled with tears_

_I'm wishin' you were here with me__  
_

_Soft with love are my thoughts of you_

_Now that you're gone I don't know what to do_

_If only you were here, you'd wash away my tears_

_The sun would shine and once again you'd be mine, all mine_

_But in reality you and I will never be_

'_Cause you took your love away from me, _

_hooh__  
_

_If only you were here, you'd wash away my tears_

_The sun would shine, once again you'd be mine, all mine_

_But in reality you and I will never be_

'_Cause you took your love away from me, hooh, baby_

_You took your love away from me__  
_

_Sayonara__  
_

Cut to: Barth's. Kat, Tanya, and Aisha, are looking at Barth's new young...and apparently handsome busser.

**Kat:** Get a load of that guy!

**Tanya:** MMMMMM!

Aisha decides to beat Kat & Tanya to the punch.

**Aisha:** Oh, Justin...ooops, I mean, Cupid!

There is a puff of smoke, and when it fades, Justin appears dressed as Cupid.

**Justin:** Yeah?

**Aisha:** Can you help me? I want that good looking boy to ask me out!

**Justin:** No problem.

Justin shoots arrow. It hits...the wrong target. Barth rushes over to Aisha.

**Barth:** Oh, Aisha! I'm in love with you!

Grabs Aisha and starts hugging and kissing her. Aisha is furious.

**Aisha:** Justin, I am going to kill you!

**Justin:** I missed it by _that_ much!

Aisha screams while Kat and Tanya start laughing like crazy.

**Zack:** Hymns, carols, and other holiday songs are important. I skipped church this past Sunday, and felt particularly bad about it, because it was Thanksgiving Sunday. Then my mother stopped by and mentioned that the congregation didn't even sing **"We Gather Together,"** and suddenly, I was downright glad I didn't go.

**Jason Segel:** Still, you can't skip over the essentials on holidays, and thus, I feel it is only right and proper to mark this Slapsgiving with **sacred song**. Will the congregation please rise and sing along with Zack and me?

**Zack:** We're really going to sing this?

**Jason Segel:** Of course. It helps set up the next sketch

**Zack:** I was afraid of that!

**Chorus:** Trini, Kimberly, Tommy, Jason, Billy, Kat, Cole, Taylor, Wes, Eric, Alyssa, Merrick, Lucas, Cobie Smulders, Josh Radnor, Alyson Hanigan.

**Zack & Jason Segel:**_ What is this feeling  
That's put you in your place?  
A hot, red burning  
On the side of your face.  
You feel the blood rush to your cheek.  
Tears start to fill _**_your eyes_**_**.  
**__And your lips are trembling  
But you can't speak.  
You're trying,  
Oh you're trying  
Not to cry. (Chorus joins in)  
You just got slapped!  
Oh-oh  
Across the face, my friend!  
Oh-oh-oh  
You just got slapped!  
Oh oh oh oh oh  
Yes, that really just happened!  
Oh oh oh oh oh oh  
Everybody saw it.  
And everybody laughed and clapped.  
It was awesome  
The way that you just got slapped._

**Zack:** Amen. Now, this takes place in November 2009. Marshall and Lily are hosting their first Thanksgiving in their own place.

**Jason Segel:** That's right. Marshall , my character, got the perfect 22 lb. organic turkey, but while he was bragging about it on the **phone** to Lily, he left it in his cab, which promptly took off. But on Thanksgiving morning, Ted and Robin, along with Kimberly and Tommy come to the rescue - turkey in hand. Marshall 's ready to dismiss it, but according to them, it's the very same turkey. It was turned in to the Port Authority, where it was stored in the fridge.

**Billy:** The fridge?

**Zack:** It's a holiday, Billy. Believe in the magic, okay?

Kimberly and Cobie Smulders join in at this point.

**Cobie Smulders:** …so when Robin takes her turkey out of the shopping bag, Marshall recognizes it as his own and squeals with delight. After he kisses it,…

**Billy:** Dude, Marshall kisses a frozen turkey?

**Kimberly:** Excuse me, have you seen the things we do on this show? Let's not pass judgment. Cobie?

**Cobie Smulders:** Anyway, Lily takes it to put it in the oven, because on TV, you can start a 22 lb turkey whenever you feel like, and it will be ready to eat once you're in the mood. Again? Magic. Marshall tells Ted and Robin they're the best friends ever, and as he embraces them, Barney moves in to get in on the hugging action, but Ted says, "No," and pushes him off.

**Jason:** Now I remember… Marshall 's still overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion toward his friends so he decides to show them how much. "Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you... the fourth slap." Robin and Ted gasp like those _Price Is Right_ showcase contestants who get like a car, a speed boat, a cruise and a weather machine.

**Billy:** Fourth Slap?

**Tommy:** Do you watch any TV at all? Anyway, Barney, meanwhile, nearly chokes on a slapetizer.

**Trini**(Coming to Billy's rescue): Appetizer. Ted then gives us the history of Marshall and Barney's slap bet, and reminds us that slap 3 (of an eventual 5) was doled out two years ago, on Slapsgiving, 2007.

**Kimberly:** Robin and Ted can't believe their good fortune, and Marshall can't resist rubbing it in Barney's face, even if he's not going to be dishing it out. Barney protests that slaps aren't transferable, so Marshall appeals to Lily - the Slap Bet Commissioner. She declares slaps to be transferable, and the crowd goes wild. Robin reminds Marshall that this is his second-to-last slap and asks if he's sure he wants to give one away.

**Jason Segel:** Marshall says, "Life is short. I figure, 'Slapay Diem.'" His only rules are: the slap must be dealt before sundown, so as not to interfere with Lily's delicious dinner; Ted and Robin have to decide between themselves who gets to dish it out; and, for the event itself, they're going to tie Barney to a chair which shall be referred to as "the slapping throne." Everyone loves this, except, of course, Barney. And although he hasn't yet been enthroned, Barney, who is gulping down his wine, flinches every time either Robin or Ted makes the slightest movement, and even when the doorbell rings - which it does.

**Tommy:** Later, in the dining Area: Marshall stands up and bangs a knife up against the wine bottle to get everyone's attention, even though they're already seated around the table. When they look up, he tells Barney that it's time for him to take his place on the slapping throne.

**Trini:** And Barney appeals to the Slap Bet Commissioner - begging that he not be tied to the chair. Lily says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Less yappin', more slappin'."

**Jason:** Marshall says it's two minutes before sundown. He asks Ted and Robin who's going to be the one to "slap Barney right in his face." Ted nods across the table at Robin, indicating that she should take it. Robin smiles and says it's going to be Ted. Ted asks, "Why me?" (Josh Radnor comes in at this point)

**Josh Radnor:** At this point, Robin says, "Last year, you got left at the altar. You lostyour job. But you've come such a long way since then. I'm so proud of you, Ted. You deserve to slap someone in his face - as hard as you can." Ted grins at her. "Thanks." Over on the throne, Barney complains that this is "the worst."

**Kimberly:** Ted rises to slap Barney, warms up, but then checks his swing - but not before Barney **screams** out, "MAMA!" Ted turns to Robin and recounts her recent relationship and breakup with Barney. "While I know you and Barney left it on good terms, isn't there some part of you, deep down, that wants to slap him right in his face?" Robin says, "There is." Ted says, "I know there is." Barney says, "This is basically hell on earth." Robin and Ted hug and then she approaches Barney. She shakes herself loose, and winds up, but when Barney squeals, "It hurrrrrrrrrrrts," before she even touches him, she can't bring herself to do it, either.

**Zack:** Then, Robin offers the slap to Mickey, as a welcome-to-the-gang gesture. Mickey can't do it, either. He turns to **Lily**and offers her the slap for all the ballet recitals and art shows he missed, and the wedding gift he never gave to her. They hug, but Barney protests. "She's the Slap Bet Commissioner. She's supposed to remain impartial." Lily looks over Mickey's shoulder. "Slap Bet Commissioner says it's okay." Lily rubs her hands together in anticipation, but she can't do it either, and wonders why. (Alyson Hanigan enters)

**Alyson Hanigan:** Because, then Marshall says, "Because this slap has done exactly what I hoped. It's brought us all closer together. And it's caused us to recognize both the frailty and the greatness in ourselves and each other." Barney rolls his eyes. "Oh, give me a break." Marshall ignores that, kneels down, and while he's untying Barney, he announces that there will be no slap today. Barney marvels at his newly freed hands. "**Oh my God**!" He stands up. "This is the best Thanksgiving ever." And as he turns to face the gang, Marshall wallops him right across his left cheek, and sends him flying to the floor. Marshall raises his hand and four fingers. "THAT'S FOUR!" _A beat._ "So? Turkey ?"

End Tag: It's a commercial, featuring Twister-esque style and happy kids. It's for the newest board **game**from Aldrin Games Unlimited: _Slap Bet!_ The announcer says, "The slap-happy game that's a real hit." That's when the jingle kicks in. It's an upbeat version of our holy Slapsgiving hymn. Is nothing sacred? God.

_You just got slapped  
Across the face, my friend._

"For kids of all ages."

_You just got slapped  
Oh, that really just happened.  
Oh, everybody saw it. HA!  
Everybody laughed and clapped,  
'Cause it was awesome  
The way that you just got slapped_

"Slap yourself silly with Slap Bet, the happy hitting game from Aldrin."

The announcer (Neil Patrick Harris) then reads the ensuing disclaimers: "No **kids**were actually slapped in the making of this commercial. Kids, slapping someone is a dangerous activity and should not be done."

**Jason:** Unless they've completely pissed you off!

**Trini: **JASON!

**Jason Segel:** Wait, which Jason?

It hits everyone: One of the guests has the same 1st name as one of the regular cast.

Cut to: Classroom. Mr. Schidtler is returning test papers

**Alyssa:** Hey Taylor, I think he likes me!

**Taylor:** What makes you say that?

**Alyssa:** Well, he put all these kisses on my paper! (shows Taylor her test paper covered with red "X"'s)

**Taylor:** She's so naive.

Cut to: forest.

**Aisha:** I'm starving! Are these berries edible?

**Trini:** Aisha, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.

**Aisha:** Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!

Aisha eats some of the berries, and then a few seconds later gasps, clutches her throat, and falls over dead.

**Trini:** (Laughing) Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.

Cut to: Link set

**Trini:** As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.

Trini walks off stage to a table of custard pies

**Trini:** You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy...any privacy for pies? I don't need them...

In walk Rocky, Aisha, and Kai. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants

**Rocky:** Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.

**Trini:** No, Rocky, I don't gotta do nothing.

**Kai:** It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.

**Aisha:** It's not bad for you Trini. You won't get addicted or anything.

Rocky splats a pie in his face

**Trini:** I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.

**Rocky:** Listen sister, don't knock it 'til you try it.

**Trini:** Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.

Trini walks off leaving the remaining 3 with the pies on the table

**Kai:** Waste not. Want not.

**Rocky:** Right on.

Trini walks back in with Jen dressed as Kate Jackson's Sabrina Duncan from her Charlie's Angels days. Kimberly joins her as Jaclyn Smith's Kelly Garrett, and Kat as Farrah Fawcett's Jill Munroe.

**Kat:** FREEZE! (points toy gun at Rocky, Aisha, and Kai)

**Aisha** (angrily turns on Trini) NARC!

**Kimberly:** Thank god she is! Don't you know how this crap can ruin your lives, trash your friendships…I could go on on how many lives were ruined by this garbage!

**Rocky: **You babes don't know how good this makes you feel!

**Jen:** Oh really? Wait 'til the crash, then tell us how good it feels! Now, hands behind your backs!

**Kai:** For smashing pies in our faces?

**Kimberly:** Pies lead to worse things! Try slipping on banana peels, getting hit in the crotch by balls, green slime, I could go on!

**Kat:** Now move!

The three faux Angels make Rocky, Aisha, and Kai leave the set.

**Trini:** I had to do something!

Cut to: camp barracks, night. TJ is on the top bunk, Zack on the bottom. Sound of a large animal outside.

**TJ:** (fearful) Zack, what's that?

**Zack** (sighing): It's the bear.

Another noise, someone walking in leaves

**TJ:** And that?

**Zack:** Someone walking to the outhouse.

Sound of something being eaten

**TJ:** (terrified) **WHAT'S THAT, ZACK?**

**Zack:** (calmly) It's the bear eating the person who was walking to the outhouse

A loud belch

**TJ:** And that?

**Zack:** A bear with indigestion.

Zack grins to himself, and grabs TJ's dangling arm. TJ screams and hides under blankets as Zack silently laughs.

Cut to: detention room. Kelsey was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.

**Principal:** Kelsey, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!

**Kelsey:** But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?

**Principal:** It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.

**Kelsey:** Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.

**Principal:** I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.

**Kelsey:** All right, I won't.

She leaves

**Principal:** (Suddenly realizing he's been tricked) ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!

Cut to: Kitchen

**Alyssa:** Danny! You ate all the pancakes!

**Danny:** I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.

**Alyssa:** "Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!

**Danny:** Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.

**Alyssa:** (Laughing) All right, I will.

Alyssa pours the syrup over Danny's head, then leaves. Taylor walks in.

**Taylor:** Danny, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?

**Danny:** (Tasting the syrup) Guess so.

Cut to: Barth's

**Kira:** I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!

**Conner:** Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?

**Kira:** You've got to be kidding.

**Conner:** Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.

**Barth:** D'oh, I heard that!

Cut to link set.

**Cobie Smulders:** Hi, I'm Cobie Smulders! (audience starts to applaud) Okay, _now_! (audience applauds wildly) Thank you. Tonight, we thought we'd start off the opposites with something a little different. Before the show, we handed out some cards for the audience to write down questions, and I'm going to do the best I can to answer them off the top of my head. Okay?

Alright, the first question is from Christine Lieberman, of Minniola, New York.. and Christine asks: "Do you ever have trouble coming up with an opening for the opposites?" Well, uh, yes, Christine...coincidentally, we had a great deal of difficulty this very week.

The next question is from Christine Wood, who asks: "In the event that you have difficulty coming up with an opening to the opposites, what would you do?" Well, Christine, whenever this happens - and this is the first time - we hand out cards to the audience, so they can ask questions, and then I answer them off the top of my head.

Okay. The next question is from Christine Crack of Brooklyn, and Christine asks: "Are these questions really written by us the audience, or are they written by the writers?" Christine, I hope you're not disappointed… but the writers wrote the questions.

Okay. Oh.. and this one is from someone who signs her name "Just Christine". Where are you sitting, Christine, where are you? (audience stands collectively and applauds) Thank you, alright. And, uh, Christine says: "Gilda, settle a bet – my boyfriend, Christine, says you always start the opposites with the words 'Give me all your hot monkey love,' and I say he's wrong." Well, Christine, your boyfriend Christine _is_ wrong. No matter what the opening, no matter how ill-conceived, how unprepared we are, we always start the opposites with "This must be the introduction to the opposites!"

Special effect. Then; Cut to: Classroom

**Zack:** Sir, is it true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?

**Mr. Schidtler:** That's right. You see, Taylor, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.

**Zack:** **GOOD!** (Zack then stands up and begins yelling)** I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY FOR ME ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?! **

Zack storms out of the classroom

**Mr. Schidtler:** (puzzled) ...Was it something I said?

Cut to; link set

**Kimberly:** My mother is always complaining about the mess in my room. I mean, she even has the nerve to say that I'm addicted to making a mess. I have to tell her, "No, Mom, I'm actually addicted to tidiness, but I'm doing a very good job of overcoming that addiction."

Cut to: classroom. Jason, Tommy, Trini, and Conner are dressed like kids from the Sound Of Music, while making fun of Ethan, dressed normally

**Jason:** Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!

**Tommy:** ...Who dresses like a punk!

**Trini:** ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!

**Conner: **...Who's not a big sissy!

Cut to: classroom

**Mr. Shidtler:** Ashley Hammond, did I see you cheating just now?

**Ashley:** No, sir.

**Mr. Shidtler:** Why not? You know the answers?

**Ashley:** No, sir.

**Mr. Shidtler:** Oh. Well, wanna look at mine?

Cut to: Adam wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case

**Mr. Prevert:** Hey Adam! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that?

points to the violin case

**Adam:** I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.

Adam opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun

**Mr Prevert:** I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

Cut to: Bedroom

**Kimberly:** Uh oh...

**Mrs. Prevert:** Kimberly, have you got that television set on in there?!

**Kimberly:** Uh, no Mom!

**Mrs. Prevert:** Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.

**Kimberly:** I've got a boy in here with me!

**Mrs. Prevert:** Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.

**Kimberly:** Right, Mom! (To Tommy) We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!

**Tommy:** Just as it was getting interesting!

**Kimberly:** What do we do now?

**Tommy:** Got any cards?

Special effect, ending opposites, then Cut to: a dark, French setting

**Zack**: She was like the air. Brittle and easily broken.

shows title: COMPULSION, as dramatic music starts

**Zack**: How could one so perfect, be so flawed?

**Tommy:** Dearest…

**Kimberly:** Not now. I'm busy.

Kimberly is seen scrubbing the stairs

**Zack**: She was an incondescant angel, dancing on the edge of a ritual that was both innocent and jejune.

**Tommy:** Yes. She was.

**Zack: (**annoyed at Tommy) Her translucent figure, glowing in the light and fire of her overwhelming passion.

Kimberly picks up a chess piece and wipes under it, then looks at the sponge and sees the dirt it picked up

**Kimberly:** Save me...

Tommy pulls her toward him

**Tommy:** Why?

**Zack**: I wonder what was the greater transgression. Loving her, or abiding her immaculate madness.

A wine glass is knocked over, as Kimberly tries to clean up the mess

**Trini:** A little club soda will get that out.

**Kimberly:** Liar!

**Zack**: She was consumed. Obsessed. Never able to enjoy her own party.

**Tommy:** I alone felt her torment. Her deepest secrets known only to me.

Zack slaps Tommy in the face

**Kimberly:** If keeping a clean house is a crime, then let me be guilty!

**Kat:** Guilty!

Tanya gasps

**Zack**: A horrifying creature. What was it we could not give her, or she understand?

Everyone is dancing, while woman tries to vacuum after them. Setting is now black and white and shows Woman behind bottle of Compulsion

**Kimberly:** Somewhere between cleanliness and godliness lies Compulsion, the world's most indulgent disinfectant. From Calvin Kleen.

**Announcer**: Ah, the price of it.

Cut to: Link set. Ethan walks up to Dana and pulls her string.

**Dana:** Hello, I'm Dana the Talking Doll.

**Ethan:** Dana, how do I stop smoking?

**Dana:** Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Dana dumps a bucket of water over Ethan's head.

Another part of link set

**Jason:** Rocky, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!

**Rocky:** Don't be stupid, Jason. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.

**Jason:** Don't lie to me, Rocky! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?

**Rocky:** No, of course not! ... How did you know?

**Jason:** (examining Rocky's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.

**Rocky:** Oh Jason, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.

**Jason:** Rocky, DON'T!

**Rocky:** I gotta! I gotta! Right now!

**Jason:** No! Rocky! Ohh!

Rocky dumps a bucket of green slime over his head.

**Rocky:** (shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...

**Jason:** You're disgusting!

**Rocky:** Oh Jason, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Jason)

**Jason:** (recoiling) NO! UGH!

Cut to: link set. Carter walks in dressed in 80s rock star gear.

**Chad:** Going to a costume party?

**Carter:** No, this is what they've got me wearing for my new gig as a singer. I look stupid!

**Dana:** Actually, you look pretty cool. I may go out with you tomorrow night.

**Carter** (brightened): Now I feel like I'm walking on air! (jumps, and lands, boots hurt) OW!

**Kelsey:** Break it up, you 2! Carter, what's your first song about?

**Carter:** It's about the oceans and rivers of love. I just have to be sure not to mention water, or else I'm…

SPLASH!

**Ryan:** Carter, look what you did! You've ruined your outfit!

**Carter:** Oh, no, my boots are all wet, they're shrinking!

**Joel:** Carter, you're all wet!

Another "Dana the Talking Doll" sketch.

**Dana:** Hello, I'm Dana the Talking Doll.

**Trent:** Dana, do you splat pies?

**Dana:** I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!

Cut to: Forest. Adam is ripping piece of paper into small pieces and dropping them in the forest.

**Adam:** Boy, am I ever smart. You see, I've been leaving a trail of all these little pieces of paper behind me so I can find my way back to camp and not get lost!

Aisha comes up behind him, having gathered up the pieces of paper

**Aisha:** Boy, Adam, are you ever a slob. You're ruining the beauty of this natural habitat. I've been picking up these pieces of paper for miles! By the way, where are we?

**Adam: AISHA!**

Adam grabs Aisha by the neck and starts to strangle her.

Cut to: locker room

**Jason:** What's your ambition in life, Max?

**Max:** To grow up big and strong.

**Jason:** Oh, you mean like me?

**Max:** Dear God in Heaven, no!

**Jason:** Better watch it, Max, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!

**Aisha:** Jason, don't talk to Max like he was a dog! Kimberly will get very jealous.

**Kimberly:** Oh, Aisha?

**Aisha:** Yes, Kimmie?

**Kimberly:** Was it always your ambition to become an actress?

**Aisha:** Why, yes it was.

**Kimberly:** What in the hell went wrong? Oh, Trini?

**Trini** (still giggling from Kim's joke about Aisha): Yeah, Kim?

**Kimberly:** Trini you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?

**Trini:** No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.

**Kimberly:** Um, Trini… you're not Jewish.

**Trini:** I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.

**Kimberly:** Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!

**Trini:** Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!

Kimberly & Trini both giggle hysterically

**Tommy:** You girls are weird! Hey, Zack.

**Zack:** Yeah, Tommy?

**Tommy:** Our field trip made a lasting impression on me.

**Zack:** It did?

**Tommy:** Yeah, the teacher threw rocks at us. OW!

**Zack:** Oh, kinda like a fossil.

**Tommy:** A fossil, dude?

**Zack:** Yeah, a fossil makes a lasting impression.

**Tanya:** You know, Aisha Campbell always reminded me of a fossil.

**Aisha:** Well thank you very much, Tanya. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?

**Tanya:** Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

**Cole:** Hey, Billy?

**Billy:** Yes?

**Cole:** You know what they say about certain things that make an impression?

**Billy:** The bigger they are, the harder they fall?

**Cole:** RIGHT!

**Tanya:** Yeah, and Aisha Campbell is living proof of that theory, I mean the studio always shakes like an earthquake every time she trips and falls.

**Aisha:** THAT'S IT, I am going to prove to everyone I am not fat!

**Tanya:** How, Roseanne?

**Aisha **(growling): Well, Fat floats, and I don't float.

**Tanya:** That just confirms that your head is as hard as a rock, then!

**Aisha:** I don't sink, either!

**Tanya:** Hmmm, you don't sink, and you don't float…that must mean you're like one of those little toys that bob up and down in the bathtub.

**Merrick:** Oh, Danny?

**Danny:** Yes, Merrick?

**Merrick:** How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?

**Danny:** I guess I learned by watching other actors.

**Merrick:** That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."

**Kat:** Hey, Adam?

**Adam:** Yes, Kat?

**Kat:** Have you noticed that lately Aisha's been hanging out a lot?

**Adam:** Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

**Kat:** No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

**Aisha:** Are you finished?!

**Taylor:** Aisha, did you go out trick-or-treating?

**Aisha:** Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!

**Taylor:** Why, what were you wearing?

**Aisha:** Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...

**Taylor:** Oh, well that explains it, then.

**Aisha:** Explains what?

**Taylor:** Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.

**Aisha:** Taylor, have you been chatting with Tanya Sloan?

**Kira:** hey, Conner?

**Conner:** Yeah, Kira?

**Kira:** Aren't you supposed to be at the look alike contest?

**Conner:** That's right, is it the Brad Pitt contest, or the George Clooney contest?

**Kira:** Actually, I was referring to the Pee-Wee Herman contest.

**Conner:** All that, and yet no man wants you!

**Vida:** Oh, Kira!

**Kira:** Yeah, Vida?

**Vida:** I heard that you were in a beauty contest.

**Kira:** That's right, and I won 2nd place!

**Conner:** Kira, I was curious…what was the breed of dog that came in 1st ?

**Kira:** DROP DEAD!

**Nick:** Hey, I've got a great idea for a contest…why don't we all shut up, get back in our lockers and end these stupid locker jokes!

All agree and do just that.

Back to: Link set. Carter is in his rock outfit, now being painted with green facial makeup, he is off camera. His band, Joel, Dana, Kelsey, Ryan, and Chad…are dressed in 60s gear with green afro wigs.

**Dana:** Come on guys, I'm ready!

Capt. Mitchell comes on set dressed like Carter…complete with green face paint.

**Capt. Mitchell:** Guys…the face makeup they used on Carter has made him sick.

Kelsey gets excited

**Kelsey:** That means I get to be the lead singer?

**Capt. Mitchell:** NO! It means that …since no one has seen you guys yet, I will be filling in for Carter this video.

**Joel:** Oh, no we're doomed! No offense, Captain, but one look at you, and people are gonna think that Lou Ferrigno's Incredible Hulk is making a comeback!

Carter walks on set, and we get the 1st look at his facepaint…and he does look ill

**Carter:** I feel like throwing up on you guys.

**Joel:** Lovely…we now have a choice between the Hulk…and Gumby!

**Chad:** Wait a minute, throwing up is ok.

**Ryan:** Yeah, we can just be a rebellious grunge/punk band!

All start to sing and play off key.

**Neil Patrick Harris:** Someone please stop this!

Cut back to: Recording studio.

**Neil Patrick Harris: (V.O.) THANK YOU!**

Same band who performed Sukiyaki. This time, Kimberly is singing lead, Trini does spoken parts, and Cobie Smulders is introducing the group.

Cobie Smulders: Once again…MMPR!

Trini starts.

**Trini:** I know I was lookin' good  
I had my Kenneth Cole shoes on  
My Gianni Versace blue leather suit  
My nails were done and my hair was fierce  
And I was riding in a Cooper's limousine  
Don't you want to ride

Kimberly starts to sing

**Kimberly:** _I was at home feelin' sleazy  
So I went down to the speak easy  
As soon as my feet hit the door  
I had all attention from the dance floor_

Don't you know the men all pause when I walked into the room  
The men all pause  
The men all pause when I walked into the room  
The men all pause and the brides held their grooms

And they all sang the same old tune  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa  
Check me out  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Starin' faces, startin' to get tired  
I wanted to get out and go for a ride  
Maybe this boredom created my hunger  
So I said, "Pull over at the local fat burger"

I tried to walk in shy, very unnoticed  
But the men turned away from their burgers and sodas  
The focus was on me, I guess admirin' good taste  
I tried to play it off but assurance was all over my face

_The men all pause when I walked into the room  
The men all pause  
The men all pause and the brides held their grooms  
The men all pause_

And they all sang the same old tune  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa  
Check me out  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

The man all pause when I hit the door  
Attention came from the dance floor  
When I went to the burger stand  
I had my claim on any man

Trini takes over again

Trini: Slap me  
No, somebody slap me  
'Cause I know I'm lookin' good  
I'm givin' attitude all over the room  
People are starin' at me  
And I just look too good for these people

Don't you know the men all pause  
Yeah, just look at them (Woof)  
The dog is coming out of them  
A natural dog  
Radar (Woof)  
Radar  
Kitty, girl  
I think I'm gonna leave right now  
Because I have some things to do  
Call my chauffeur  
I love you, I love you all  
But I got to go

Oh  
Turn me on

The men all pause  
The men all pause  
The men all pause  
The men all pause

Don't you know the men all pause when I walked into the room  
The men all pause  
The men all pause and the brides held their grooms  
The men all pause

And they all sang the same old tune  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa  
Check me out  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Cut to: studio: Carter and Capt. Mitchell are trying to get the green facepaint off.

**Carter:** Am I glad I can take this stuff off!

**Capt. Mitchell: **I've got news for you…(horrified)…this ain't coming off!

**Carter:** You mean…(also horrified) I'm gonna be green for the rest of my natural life?

**Capt. Mitchell: **I'm afraid so.

Josh Radnor walks in, and starts to laugh

**Josh Radnor:** I'm sorry, but look on the bright side…Kermit the Frog was green and he did ok…besides…green is Dana's favorite color!

**Carter and Capt. Mitchell: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!**

Both dump Kool Aid down his shirt

**Josh Radnor:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Cut to: school hallway. Justin, still dressed as Cupid, shoots arrow into air, and splits. Principal walks in, carrying a plant, and talking to it.

**Principal:** Oh, fern, I never noticed how lovely and green you are, maybe we can take ina flower show...

As the principal leaves, Kimberly & Trini look on in shock

**Kimberly:** Was the principal just ..._talking_ to his plant?

**Trini:** I think he's in love with it!

**Kimberly:** That is so weird!

**Trini:** Yeah...I wonder what the plant sees in him.

Final shot of link set. The whole cast, and guests are on, and everyone says goodbye, and MMPR returns…this time with Zack singing lead to Shalamar's 'Dead Giveaway'

Zack: _How long you gonna carry on_

_This one on one charade?_

_Let's don't and then say we did_

_That's the game you like to play__  
__Oo, we've been through this so many times_

_The end result's always the same_

_I always end up complaining_

_When I've got myself to blame_

_You're just a dead giveaway, yeah_

_You'd think I'd learn to handle this by now_

_You're just a dead giveaway_

_Girl, you can't deny it_

_Even though you try, oh oh_

_You keep trying to hide it_

_Baby, we know why_

_I get a call about 2 a.m._

_Saying you don't wanna be alone_

_I'm tired and half asleep_

_But emotions are just a little too strong__  
__Oo, I figured that I'd call your bluff__'_

_Cause you want me to come on by_

_Girl, you know it's your love I've always wanted_

_But this time I won't be denied_

_'Cause you're a dead giveaway, hey_

_You want me like I want you_

_You're just a dead giveaway, yeah_

_You're scared but you won't admit it_

_Even though you try, oh_

_But tonight you're committed_

_Baby, we know why__  
__'Cause you're just a dead giveaway__  
__A dead giveaway_

_You're not that naive, girl_

_I'm finding out, oo oh_

_Is playing deceiver_

_What you're all about?_

_Dead giveaway_

_Dead giveaway_

_Girl, you can't deny it_

_Even though you try, oo oh, baby_

_You keep trying to hide it_

_Baby, we know why_

_Well, now that you're serious_

_It's time to take off that disguise_

_You want more that mental stimulation_

_I can see it in your eyes__  
__Oo, for years I've been your analyst_

_I've been as patient as I've been kind_

_For years you've played off believing_

_That I loved you for only your mind_

_You're just a dead giveaway_

_Girl, you want me like I want you_

_Dead giveaway_

_You've been holding back for too long_

_You're a dead giveaway__  
__You're scared but you won't admit it_

_Even though you try, oo oh_

_But tonight you are committed_

_Baby, we know why__  
__'Cause you're a dead giveaway_

_I can tell by the look in your eyes_

_A dead giveaway_

_I'm finding out_

_What you're all about?_

_You're just a dead giveaway__  
_

The show finally closes with Tanya singing Jody Watley's 'Still A Thrill'

**Tanya:**_ Still a Thrill_

_You know it's funny, funny how time flies_  
_As I watch days turn into years_  
_You never know if it will last forever_  
_You can only try to keep it new_

_Late around midnight_  
_When you're holding me near_  
_It feels so good to me_  
_Feel like crying those tears_

_It's still a thrill_  
_When you hold me_  
_It's still a thrill_  
_When you're loving me_

_Your passion, passion moves me_  
_Like the ocean runs so deep_  
_I'm walking in this mile for you_  
_Just to get the things you do_

_Feels like the first time_  
_When we met_  
_Your charms still overwhelms me_  
_Tell me, how can it be?_

_It's still a thrill_  
_When you hold me_  
_It's still a thrill_  
_When you're loving me_

I'm Going home now.

Where are my keys?


End file.
